All I Want(ed) for Christmas...

There were 2 things I really wanted for Christmas this year. The first was a fun filled trip to NYC to spend Christmas with my family. I wanted to see the tree, eat pizza and bagels, and see my old friends. What I got instead was 3 days with the family, 1 slice of pizza and 1 bagel before a blizzard forced us to change our travel plans and leave early. I did not get to see any of my friends, 2 of my cousins, no trip to Manhattan and I definitely could have used a couple of more slices of pizza. You just can't good pizza outside of NYC!

The second thing I wanted was a BFP. Instead I got a BFN. So now I will call my doctor this week and set up an IVF consult. I am thinking late Feb/early March since we have a trip planned to Florida to visit family in February and I don't want to cancel that. I need a break too. I am tired, drained and I just want to spend a couple of months not taking pills, suppositories or injections and to drink lots and lots of wine.

Welcome ICLW'ers!

Welcome to my blog! For those of you who are visiting for the first time, you can read detailed cycle info over there ---------------------->

A little about me....I am 31 and married to the most wonderful guy, B. We got married in July 08 and New Years of that year I threw away my BCP and we started TTC. My cycles were long and I was sure I wasn't ovulating but my ob/gyn kept telling me to be patient and that was normal after the pill. Finally in October I started on Clomid and by March of this year, I was seeing an RE. Since working with her, I have had 5 IUI's and no BFP. I also don't really have a diagnosis. I don't ovulate on my own but no one can tell me why. My FSH is borderline at 10.1.

Right now I am 11 days in to my 2 week wait, I can take a HPT on Christmas day. I am waiting until Monday though because I don't want my holiday ruined by a BFN. This was my fifth and final IUI, if this one doesn't work, we are moving on to IVF, probably in February or March. I have some mixed feelings about that. I am ready to move on, at this point I don't think IUI's are going to work for us. It does bother me though that I don't know why I don't ovulate. I keep thinking that maybe the reason I am not not ovulating is the reason I am not getting pregnant. There is a doctor in my area, and ob/gyn, with a special interest in fertility. He is Catholic and doesn't believe in ART so he works really hard to figure out what is causing your problem. I do have a consultation with him in January to see what he says.

So that's me in a nutshell. Thanks for visiting and I hope you stick around!

I'm tired...

...of being sad. It's hard to to tell if it's depression, hormones, or a little bit of both. My good friend at work J called me on Sunday to tell me she was pregnant. I started sobbing and had to hang up. I cried again the next day when one of the nurse practitioners I work with asked me if I was OK about it. She hasn't told anyone else at work yet besides the two of us but I am dreading it. Everyone is going to be so happy for her and I feel like everyone is going to be thinking "oh poor L" I don't know, maybe that is narcissistic of me but that's how I feel. When I started my blog 6 months ago, I found 20 blogs to follow through ICLW. 10 of those ladies are now pregnant. I am happy for them and hope to join them one day but it is a painful reminder of how left behind I feel.

I tried therapy but didn't feel like it helped. I am going to a resolve support group meeting tomorrow which I am really nervous about. I am pretty shy around people I don't know but I am feeling slightly desperate. I just need to hear from other people that this is normal. And I need some non-pregnant friends, I have too many right now.

The Grinch Who Stole Christmas

I am such a bad blogger, I have all these posts in my head but I have such a hard time finding the time to sit down and type them out.

The good news:

This cycle went really well, my best one yet according to my doctor. My ovaries liked the combination of Follistim and Menopur. I had B2B IUI's Friday and Saturday with four follies! It seems like a lot but considering my track record, my RE, B and I all felt comfortable proceeding. Now I am in the dreaded 2 week wait. I got a massage on Friday afternoon to help keep myself relaxed and I am eating pineapple every day.

The bad news:

Christmas is my favorite holiday, B and I go to my parents in NYC every year to celebrate with my crazy italian family. I love going to see the tree, all the windows, it is just such a festive time. Anyway, 2 weeks from Saturday, the day my Dr told me to POAS, is Christmas Day. I can't think of anything more depressing than getting a big fat negative on Christmas day. I decided not to test until we get back home on Monday so it doesn't ruin my Christmas but I feel like it already has. Regardless of when I test, I feel like it is all I am going to be thinking about when I should be having fun and enjoying spending time with my family.

I hate infertility!

Seriously??

As soon as I published my last post, my phone rang. It was my RE's office. My E2 is low so they asked me to come in and pick up some Menopur to add to the regimen. They gave me 3 vials which was nice because on my way home the pharmacy called to verify the order of 5 more vials they called in for me and told me how much it was going to be. I hate to complain because I am lucky to have good medical coverage but having no prescrption coverage for these meds sucks! I spent close to $1000 on meds already this cycle!

Update and a recipe

I really wanted to update after my baseline on Saturday but the weekend was crazy. We were out all day Saturday for the Ohio State/Michigan game and Sunday I spent the day on the couch. No laundry, no grocery shopping, just me, B and the first season of Modern Family on DVD. That show is hilarious! We had never seen it before and watched the whole season in 1 day!

Our Thanksgiving was really nice. My SIL and I cooked a really yummy meal and it was nice to spend time with her, BIL and my nephews. B's mom and step dad were there also. We went over to his dad's family's house as well and got to meet our new niece finally. B's step brother and wife live in NC so we only see them a few times a year. I had to work on Friday so I left and drove back by myself which was a little sad.

My baseline went well on Saturday, no cysts so I started on Follistim. My doctor was off that weekend though so I saw one of her partners. I went in today for a follie check and things are looking ok, nothing to exciting going on but there are a few little ones in there so I am sticking with my same dose and go back Saturday, unless my E2 comes back something crazy. It was nice to see my doctor though, she is so sweet, she really really wants me to get pregnant. I hadn't seen her in a while and I was touched at by what she said when she came in. I think if we met under different circumstances we would be good friends. Hopefully my little follies grow and things look better when I go back this weekend!

I am making this chicken pot pie from annies-eats for dinner tonight and I am so excited. It looks delicious! It is so cold and it snowed here today so I am really in the mood for some comfort food.

Sick

I have spent most of this week feeling like crap. Turns out I have gastritis, which is an inflammation of the stomach lining. It can have many causes but my doctor thinks mine is due stress, spicy food, lots of drinks in Cabo and was pushed over the edge by the ibuprofen I took last weekend. I have taken ibuprofen maybe twice in the last 2 years but I couldn't find any Tylenol last weekend so I took a bunch of ibuprofen. Bad idea. Now I am taking prilosec and avoiding alcohol, caffeine, spicy food, fatty food, and fried food. So basically it sucks.

In IF news, my last BCP pill is tonight which means I will probably get my period on Thanksgiving day. I am a little nervous, I have been feeling crampy ovary pain and I am worried that my cysts haven't resolved from last cycle yet. I guess I will know in about a week.

I am looking forward to Thanksgiving though. We are spending it with B's family. My SIL and I are in charge of all the food so it should be yummy (my MIL is not much of a cook). I have also been trying to think about all the things I am thankful for. I am thankful to have such a wonderful and supportive husband, family, and friends. I am thankful to have a job I love. I am thankful to have decent health insurance to cover at least some of my IF treatments and thankful that B and I make enough money to pay for what is not covered. What are you guys thankful for this year? I will probably not post again until my baseline so I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Mental Health Break

Sorry I have been MIA since I have been back from my vacation. Can I just say that everyone should go away to an all inclusive beach resort for a week after a BFN? My last negative test (10/29) hit me harder than usual...to the point where I spent 30 minutes in the break room at work crying. Partly because I know we have only one more shot at IUI and then it will be on to IVF and partly because every failed attempt seems to chip away at me more and more. More on that later.

First of all Cabo was wonderful. I made a pact with myself that I would not think about anything IF related at all while on vacation. The only things I wanted to worry about was am I getting tan enough and what will my next drink be. Thankfully none of my friends who went brought their kids and none of them are preggo right now so it was pretty easy actually. The wedding ceremony was beautiful and the reception was an absolute blast. We had a truly fabulous time and it was definitely a nice distraction.

The pool - where I spent most of my days and the view from our balcony in the evening

Since I have been back, I have continued to avoid thinking about anything IF related. I did catch up with every one's blogs and am thinking of you all but other than that, I have been avoiding all other IF related message boards etc on the Internet. After my breakdown at work, I realized that this is really taking it's toll on me emotionally. I never thought it would come this far, almost 2 years of trying and no pregnancy. In the last 23 months I have ovulated 7 times, 6 of those medicated and 4 were inseminations and yet nothing. I just don't understand why, if there is really nothing wrong with me, I can't seem to get pregnant. And now I think it is starting to affect me physically. I left work today to go to the urgent care. I have been having some GI issues which may be due to gastroenteritis but if my symptoms don't resolve in the next day or so, my doctor thinks it's possible I may have an ulcer. Just what I need. The whole point of starting this blog was to have an outlet for my emotions but right now I just need a little mental health break from it all. I have a week left of BCP and then it will be on to my fifth and final IUI. I will try to blog more, just not about IF stuff. Time to go lay on the couch and catch up on some Grey's Anatomy.

BFN

So I had my beta drawn at work yesterday for two reasons. One is it is easy, I have one of the other nurses draw it and I just drop it off at the lab. The second is because I can look up the results in the computer. I knew it was going to be negative, I had POAS the day before and it was negative. But actually seeing the word negative in all caps just put me over the edge. I had started bawling at work. Thank God I work with the most amazing women.

I am ok now, off to drown my sorrows in Cabo San Lucas. I will be drinking lots of margaritas and getting a wicked tan, see you all in 8 days!

4 more days

Sorry it's been so long since I last posted, lots of stuff going on here. My oldest dearest friend got married this weekend so I was out of town for the last 4 days. It was nice to be home with my family and old friends. I was really looking forward to her wedding (for obvious reasons) and also because none of my friends from home have kids/are pregnant. Of course, one of my friends announced she was pregnant at the wedding and almost simultaneously I get a text from my SIL saying she is in labor. Of course I am happy for my friend and my SIL but it still hurt. I ended up drinking more than I should have although I doubt it matters anyway since I am probably not pregnant. I do have a new nephew now and I am thrilled, I can't wait to meet him. Hopefully we can get down to FL in Dec or Jan. He is my 8th nephew/niece, my husbands siblings are a fertile bunch. It sucks being the only one in his family without kids.

Only four more days until my beta. Even though I have almost no hope that this cycle is going to be successful there is always that little teeny tiny piece of me thinking that it might be. This cycle is really getting to me, I had two mini meltdowns over the weekend and my panic attacks are starting to come back. I felt bad for my mom, my husband is used to my mood swings but my mom is not and she was shocked when I started freaking out over something silly. That's just not me. I started getting panic attacks when I was in college and was in therapy/taking meds on and off since then but I have been doing well for about 2 years until now. Things aren't bad yet but I am worried they will get bad again. At least we leave for vacation on Sunday, a week at the beach sounds like just what the doctor ordered.

Discouraged

Sorry I haven't been posting much, I just haven't felt like blogging about what a shitty cycle this is. For some reason, my doctor had a really hard time stimming me and finally after 3 weeks of follistim I have one follicle large enough to trigger. I have plenty of other ones (at least 7) but they just weren't really growing much. My lining was awful so I have been on estrogen and she couldn't even monitor my E2 levels. Needless to say I don't have much hope for this cycle and left the office with a script for BCP for my break cycle. I know it only takes one but I am worried about the quality of this egg since it took so damn long to grow. Ugh. I have my beta the day before I leave for Cabo for 8 days so there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If I am not preggo, at least I get to spend the next week drinking margaritas on the beach with a bunch of my friends.

I talked to her about what the plan would be for next cycle and she said it was worth it to do one more inject cycle before moving on to IVF. I am debating whether or not to do it between Thanksgiving and Christmas or just wait until after the new year. I kind of want to get it over with, if it doesn't work, I think B and I will go to Hawaii in February and then try IVF after we get back. But I don't know if I need the added stress around the holidays. Any thoughts or opinions are welcome!

Perspective

Last night I had a long conversation with an old friend. S and I have been friends for about 8 years, we met at our first job right after college. We both started within a few months of each other. About 6 years ago, we took a girls trip to Mexico where I met B. (random, I know). A few months later, I was with her at a party when she met M, who she would later marry. I remember when she got engaged, I was jealous because B and I had been together about the same amount of time. I remember when she got married, I was jealous because B and I still weren't engaged. I was happy for her when she got pregnant with her first child and again 8 months later when she told me she was pregnant with number 2. At that point B and I had just started trying. Over the course of her accidental pregnancy ( she was waiting for AF to start so she could get an IUD and oops, she got pregnant instead) I began to grow more and more jealous. It became clear that getting pregnant was going to be a challenge for me.

I knew that S & M were having some marriage problems but I didn't think that were that serious. Last night I discovered they were. S is seriously thinking of getting a divorce. I won't go into all the details but needless to say things are not going well for her and she is pretty unhappy with life right now. Although I can't relate to her marriage problems, thankfully B and I are as happy and in love as ever despite what a strain IF can be on our relationship. I can however understand her unhappiness. Yes, both of us have a lot to be thankful for, but at the same time, all we can focus on is what is wrong with our lives, things that are out of our hands, things we can not control.

I am so sad for her and what she is going through but hearing her just spill all her secrets last night made me feel less alone. It made me realize what may look perfect on the outside might not be so on the inside. I am still a teeny tiny bit jealous of how easy it was for her to get pregnant but am I jealous of her life anymore...nope. While I hate my infertility, how it makes me feel, the doctors appointments, the probing, the money wasted on fertility meds that aren't getting me pregnant, I wouldn't trade problems with her for anything.

I hate my ovaries

I went back to the doctor Friday and things had somewhat improved. I had 8 measurable follies this time ranging from 6mm-9mm. I started estrace for my lining. *TMI ALERT* but between the estrace, the dildo cam and the progesterone supps, I think I have more foreign objects in my vagina than penis!

I go back tomorrow for another check. I am still not feeling good about this though. 8 is obviously too many so if they all continue to progress we will have to cancel. I am still worried that if does work out, my IUI's are going to ruin B's fishing trip next weekend. Ugh, why do my ovaries have to bee so difficult? Just once I would like for things to go smoothly.

Co-workers

A couple of weeks ago I was having lunch with some of my coworkers. There were 6 of us, ranging in age from 23-31, me being the oldest. I had mentioned that I had wanted to go outside, it was a beautiful day and we have no windows in our unit so I wanted to enjoy 15 minutes of sunshine before going back to work. No one else really wanted to go so I sat there chatting. Somehow the conversation took a turn and they were taking about being pregnant. None of the girls currently are pregnant but 2 of them have kids. The other 3 are not married and only one is in a relationship and then there is me and my IF. All of these girls know exactly what I am going through. At this point I knew I was getting sick, I was totally PMS'ing, AF was coming (she arrived the next morning) and I wasn't in the mood to hear it. So I told S, sitting across from me I was going outside and I just got up and left. I really didn't think too much of it. They knew I had wanted to go outside. When got back up to work though I was shocked. I got stopped by one of them as soon as I walked in, she was in tears and apologizing for being so insensitive. I told her it was all good, I had just wanted to go outside. Making my way back to the break room, I got stopped by another girl, also in tears, saying the same thing. I felt awful that I made them feel so awful. I found the other girls and let them know I was ok and they didn't do anything wrong. I don't want them to feel like they have to watch what they say in front of me.

I am so lucky to work with such a great bunch of women, I didn't realize how much they truly cared about me until that day. On the other hand, now I feel like they are tip toeing around me, not one of them has asked me what was going on with regards to my IF since then. That is not really a bad thing though since things are not really going well right now and I don't like talking about it. I work with such a small group of women and we are a pretty tight knit group, except for this one nurse. It hard to keep secrets, especially when I am always leaving in the middle of a shift, coming in late or switching my days off to accommodate my appointments. On one hand, I am glad they know, it nice to have thier support, but after this incident, now I wish they didn't. I already feel left out within my circle of friends most of them time since I am one of the only one without kids and now I feel like that at work too. It's hard being an infertile in a fertile's world.

Everything but the kitchen sink....

I haven't really blogged much during my break cycle other than the 30 Day Blog Challenge (which I didn't finish) so I feel like this post is going to be all over the place.

Thankfully my break went by quickly. We have been so busy, I can't even believe that September is over already. Operation Washboard did not go so well. Despite working out 3-4 days a week and trying to monitor my portions (i already eat pretty healthy), I lost a pound. Looks like the spanx will be making an appearance and my BFF's wedding. My plan is to keep it up though, although my exercise will be limited to walking due to stims and hope in the next month, I miraculously become bikini ready, which is probably about the same as my odds are of getting knocked up this month.

I had my first follie/E2 check today. Last cycle I started out on 150u of Follistim and over responded so this cycle we started at 100u. I said in my last post I didn't have a good feeling about this cycle but I was hoping it was just the illness. It wasn't. I went in today and I had nothing. 3 barely measurable follies, no lining to speak of and my E2 was only 52. We upped my dose to 150u and I go back on Friday so we'll see. She also said I will definitely need to be on estrogen supplementation for my lining this cycle. Now I am feeling guilty that I skipped out on acupuncture and POM juice this cycle although I guess it's not to late to start. They didn't seem to get me pregnant last cycle so I thought I would save some $$ skipping them. On top of all that, B has a fishing trip scheduled for mid cycle, he leaves CD 16, which I totally thought I would have had my IUI's by then but now I doubt it. He said he would skip the trip but I feel so guilty about it. He has really been looking forward to it. Why do my ovaries have to be so damn difficult??

In other news, B and I are dog sitting for a friends this week for 10 days. I am super excited about it. We both grew up with labs but it is just not feasible for us to get a dog right now with how much we travel. We will have our very own chocolate lab for 10 days though. He is 12 and super mellow, the perfect dog for us. I am afraid I won't want to give him back!

That's it for now, I have a couple of other things on my mind but I will save them for later.

A real post (sort of)

It's been a while since I have had a real post. This one will be short and sweet because I am sick and can not concentrate enough to write anything longer. My break cycle is officially over. AF arrived on schedule and my cysts were gone on my baseline ultrasound. I start Follistim tonight. I don't know if it is because I have the worlds worst head cold right but I am not feeling good about this cycle. Hopefully when I feel better physically, I will feel better emotionally about this cycle.

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 18-22

Day 18 My Wedding

I woke up the morning of my wedding to pouring rain - a bride's worst nightmare. I specifically chose the place I was getting married at because I wanted to get married outside. It stopped raining just after I arrived at the site for my pictures and although there were a few sprinkles after that, it ended up clearing up and we had a perfect outdoor ceremony. I had really wanted to elope and my mom talked me into a traditional wedding and I loved every minute of it. It was the best day of my life (so far!)

Day 19 A talent of mine

I'm stumped...I don't really have a talent.

Day 20 A hobby of mine

Cooking and baking...I really enjoy it. I like baking more because I have such a sweet tooth. I don't like cleaning up though. :-)

Day 21 A recipe

How do I choose, there are so many! I made these Pumpkin Cheesecake Brownies last fall and I have been thinking about them since. I am really looking forward to making them again now that fall has arrived (even though it was 90 degrees here yesterday!)

Day 22 A website

My two favorite food blogs... Annie's Eats and Smitten Kitchen. If I need a recipe for something, I always consult them first, they never let me down!

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 17

An Art Piece

A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte - Georges Seurat

I love this piece for a couple of reasons. First, it's a pointillist painting which I think is very cool. Second, this is where my husband proposed -

It is a topiary recreation of the painting. We have a copy of the painting on canvas in our house to remind us of that day. One of these days when we are in Chicago I really want to go to the art museum and see the original.

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 16

A song that makes you cry (or nearly)

It doesn't make me cry but I do get emotional when I hear it, such a beautiful song!

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 15

My Dream House

For me, it's all about the location. This is not necessarily my dream home, although I certainly wouldn't turn it down, but it is my dream location. I fantasize about owning a fabulous beach home one day, of course somewhere there are no hurricanes, tsunamis etc (hey that's why it is called a fantasy right?). I want to be able to walk outside right onto the sand. Who needs a backyard when you have the beach! I want to be able to open my windows and hear and smell the ocean... and, of course, I don't want any sand in my house :-)

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 14

A Nonfiction Book

At a loss here, not much of a non fiction reader except for cookbooks. Any suggestions?

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 13

A fiction book(s)

Since I already posted favorite books on day 4, I will talk about fiction books I haven't read yet but are on my list. I have narrowed it to 3, I love to read so this is hard for me.

1. The Sookie Stackhouse Series by Charmaine Harris- I love True Blood so I am interested in seeing how the books compare

2. Fly Away Home by Jennifer Weiner - I love all of her books!

3. The Girl Who Played with Fire by Stieg Larsson - I loved the first book in this trilogy (although it did take me a good 100 pages to get into it) and am looking forward to reading this one as well as the third in the trilogy.

Anyone read any of these? What are you guys reading right now or looking forward to reading?

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 12

Something you are OCD about

Food safety! I am crazy about it. I am petrified of getting food poisoning so when I am cook meat, especially chicken, I wash my hands and countertops more than necessary. I also won't eat food that has been sitting out for too long or leftovers that have been in the fridge for more than a couple of days. I could go on and on but you will all think I am crazy!

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 11

A photo of you recently

This photo is from 2 years ago at our wedding, I love it though!

30 day Blog Challenge - Day 10

A photo taken over 10 years ago of you

Ok so not the best photo ever. I don't have any old pics on my computer so I had to take this off facebook. It's my senior year of HS so it was 13 years ago.

30 day Blog Challenge - Day 9

A photo I took

I am not a photographer by any means but I was impressed with myself when I saw how this photo turned out. I thought it looked pretty cool. Although I think it is hard to take a bad photo in Hawaii!

30 day Blog Challenge - Day 8

A photo that makes me angry/sad

In two days it will be the 9 years since the attack on the twin towers. It still haunts me to this day. I will never forget turning on the TV and seeing this image, as it was happening. It was surreal. Who could do such a thing? I felt a lot of emotions that morning... mostly anger at the people who could do this to my city, my home. Now when I go go back to visit, this is what I see...

I took this picture from the airplane on my last visit. At first glance it looks like an ordinary city skyline but when I look at it, all I see is what isn't there anymore, the twin towers standing tall, welcoming me home. Sad.

30 day Blog Challenge - Day 7

A photo that makes me happy

These are my most favorite people ever. The cutest, sweetest, funniest kids you will ever meet (not that I am biased or anything!)

Update and a recipe

Week 1 of Operation Washboard down. 1.4 lbs lost! I worked out 5 out of 7 days last week so I was pretty impressed with myself. With the holiday weekend, I didn't really stick to my diet the last few days so I was pretty happy when I stepped on the scale this morning.

I have been horrible about taking the pill, yesterday I realized I hadn't taken it 3 days in a row. Oops. I am really surprised I didn't start spotting. 2 more weeks to go.

I went to a barbecue last night and I made S'mores Cheesecake Bars from annies-eats. As always, they were absolutely delicious.

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 6

My Favorite Things (in no particular order)

1. My Husband

2. NYC at Christmas Time

3. The Beach

4. Baking

5. Wine

6. Vacations

7. Christmas Music

8. Potatoes

9. 80's Dance Party station on Pandora

10. My nieces and nephews (7 + 1 on the way!)

11. Snuggling babies on night shift at work

12. Reading

13. Kauai

14. Being pampered (massages, pedicures etc)

15. My engagement ring

16. Summer

17. Fires in the fireplace

18. Chocolate

19. A comfy bed

20. Blueberries

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 5

My Favorite Quote

I am not really a big quote person but throughout this whole process, I keep telling myself

"That which does not kill us makes us stronger" Friedrich Nietzsche

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 4

My Favorite Book

Wow. I have been struggling with this all day. I am a huge reader, I have read thousands of books, from the classics to total chick lit. I don't even know how to begin to pick a favorite. From the time I could read, I was never without a book. If I had to choose...

Favorite Classic Book - Wuthering Heights or Brave New World

Favorite Modern Book - Go Ask Alice or The Red Tent

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 3

My Favorite Television Program

This is hard one because I love TV! The invention of the DVR + my schedule as a nurse = lots of free time to watch TV. I am a big fan of HBO and Showtime series, not much a reality TV watcher.

If I have to choose, my favorite show that is not on the air anymore is Sex and the City. I still don't know who I love more, Aidan or Mr. Big.

Of the TV shows I currently watch - there are a lot - House, Bones, Criminal Minds, Grey's Anatomy, The Office, Entourage, United States of Tara, Hung, Weeds, Dexter...

Favorite Comedy - Glee. It always cracks me up.

Favorite Drama - True Blood. I would let Eric Northman bite me anytime :-)

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 2

My Favorite Movie

This one was an easy one. Although there are a lot of movies I love, my all time favorite is Love Actually. I love all the different story lines, the characters, and the fact that is set at Christmas time (my favorite holiday!) I even bought the soundtrack because I love all the music in it. While it would be hard for me to pick my favorite story line, my favorite part of the movie is Colin Firth's proposal , I always get teary eyed!

30 Day Blog Challenge - Day 1

My Favorite Song

I have been thinking about this question all day, I am having such a hard time with it. I have too many favorite songs!

I would have to say my favorite song on the moment is Airplanes by B.O.B. It pretty much sums up how I am feeling about my IF right now.

My favorite old song is my wedding song - Just The Way You Are by Billy Joel. B has been a pretty amazing and supportive husband through this whole IF journey and am so glad he loves me just they way I am ( since I have been pretty hormonal and crazy lately!)

30 Day Blog Challenge

I read about the 30 day blog challenge over here and thought it was a great way to get me through my break cycle on birth control. By the time the challenge is over, AF should be here and it will be time start the next cycle.

Here’s the rundown:

Day 1 - your favorite song
Day 2 - your favorite movie
Day 3 - your favorite television program
Day 4 - your favorite book
Day 5 - your favorite quote
Day 6 - 20 of my favorite things
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 9 - a photo you took
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you
Day 11 - a photo of you recently
Day 12 - something you are OCD about
Day 13 - a fictional book
Day 14 - a non-fictional book
Day 15 - your dream house
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc)
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding
Day 19 - a talent of yours
Day 20 - a hobby of yours
Day 21 - a recipe
Day 22 - a website
Day 23 - a youtube video
Day 24 - where I live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - my worst habit
Day 28 - what's in my handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes,dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future

Looking forward to starting tomorrow!

Operation Washboard

So I woke up on Friday morning with AF finally, went to the doctor for my baseline and of course I have 2 cysts, one on each ovary. I had prepared myself for that but it still hurt. Now I am back on BCP for the month. Boo.

I need something to occupy these next four weeks so today is Day 1 of Operation Washboard. Now I am not expecting washboard abs in 4 weeks but I need some improvement in that area. I am blaming it on all the hormones I have taken but I seem to have accumulated several extra pounds in that area only the past few months. I am in a wedding in October and have a 8 day beach vacation planned for November so I would like to get back to my old body.

I have IBS so the plan is a gluten free and dairy free diet (mostly anyway, I can't give up cheese and the occasional pasta splurge) and I am going to start working out again. I will keep you updated on how it is going!

When it rains, it pours

I have been looking forward to Friday all week, especially after my negative test on Tuesday. I have a really fun girls night out planned with 5 girls, one visiting from out of town. We have dinner reservations at this really nice italian place and then we are going out for drinks. Thankfully I had the foresight last week to book myself a massage for Friday. I thought I might need it if this cycle didn't work out. I also added in a bikini wax and mani/pedi as well, after reading this post on another blog. I deserve a good spa day!

So my closest friend here (I have only lived here for 5 years) is J. One of the sweetest people I have ever met. She asked if she could stop by last night to pick up a book she needs to read for her book club. We were chatting about dinner Friday and then she confessed she really wanted to come by to tell me she was pregnant. I appreciate that she came by, she knows what we are going through and she didn't want me to find out Friday in front of a lot of people, but I was so devasted. After she left, I just started bawling. Now I am not even that excited to go out on Friday. I am paranoid that when S gets here (friend from out of town) she is going to announce that she is pregnant too and if that happens, I just don't think I can handle it.

I am hoping I will feel better about this tomorrow, I so hormonal right now, still haven't gotten AF yet, even though I stopped my progesterone suppositories on Sunday, and to top it all off I am on call this week at work and I got called in last night after crying my eyes out and of course I had to work today so I am exhausted.

I am thinking some retail therapy is necessary tomorrow as well, in addition to my spa day. What would you splurge on?

The verdict is in...

Big Fat Negative. I can't say I am surprised but it still sucks. Once again my body has defied nature, 3 eggs, 100 million sperm, no baby. It doesn't seem right. This may sound a little overdramatic but I feel a loss when I have a BFN, for my baby that should have been. It makes me sad.

Thanks for weighing in on my POAS dilemma. I did POAS Sunday and this morning but now I wish I would have just waited until today. Next cycle I am going to have to come back to this post to remind myself why I don't POAS early. I wasted the last 2 days thinking that there could still be a chance of a positive today.

To pee or not to pee...

That is the question. First of all, I would like to say Hi and Welcome to ICLW visitors. My TTC history can be found in the column over there ---------->

So back to my question. For my first time visitors, I am 11 and 12dp B2B IUI's. I was feeling pretty good about this cycle, my first with follistim. I had 3 follies and B's sperm rocked as usual, about 50 million post wash both days. As I said, I was feeling good until yesterday when the telltale signs of AF began to arise. I know some of it can be blamed on the progesterone (sore boobs, tired all the time) but I swear, before I get my period, I can feel it in my uterus. I don't even know how to describe it, it's this crampy/achey feeling that I only get that time of the month, which for me is very infrequent, so when I do feel it, I know what is coming.

So to pee on a stick or wait until beta on Tuesday? I am on progesterone supps so it is unlikely I will get my period before I stop them. Thoughts? If it makes a difference, I "borrowed" some pregnancy tests from work, so I don't have to buy them.

One week down and a recipe

I made it through the first week of the 2ww. The second week is always harder for me so I am not looking forward to the next 7 days. My last 2ww I had lots of stuff going on, family in from out of town, trip to the lake. This time I have nothing to distract me. I don't even have anything good to blog about.

B and I went to the farmer's market on Saturday morning and got a ton of green beans. I am not a huge fan but he loves them. The ones I made Saturday night for dinner with friends were amazing, I could eat them every day! There is not really a true recipe, it is loosely based upon a side dish I had at my SIL's.

Saute garlic and red onion in some olive oil. Add green beans and some thin sliced red pepper. Season with salt and pepper to taste. I cooked them until everything was done and slightly charred/carmelized (my own personal preference, you could cook just until done) At this point I threw in some fresh dill and some pine nuts. There were no leftovers.

Officially Basted

That is how B refers to my IUI's, he calls it "getting basted". This first cycle of Follistim was touch and go as far as my dosage and number of follies. I was never really sure until the day I triggered if I was going to or how many follicles there would end up being. After 5 monitoring appointments in 9 days, I finally triggered on Sunday with 3 follicles and had back to back IUI's Monday and today.

As always, I am hopeful this is finally it. Between the 3 follicles and B's rock star sperm, how can it not work? Yet I know the odds are only about 20%. It's so hard not to get excited but then I hate being disappointed, which inevitably always happens. I am already thinking ahead to next cycle, which will probably be a break cycle because I had two follicles at the time of trigger that were about 12mm so I am sure they will turn into cysts. It's so hard to find the right balance between feeling positive and feeling negative about the whole situation.

Vent

So I had my third follie check of this cycle today. I have 5 follicles all similar sizes so my doctor is monitoring me really closely. There are 3 that are slightly bigger and she is trying to get them to the right size so we can trigger. If the 2 smaller ones catch up I am screwed since she will cancel the IUI if I have more than 5. I will be devastated if we have to cancel at this point.

Anyway, I had to leave in the middle of my shift to go to this appointment. Thank god my boss is so nice and understanding. I work on a small unit and everybody knows what is going on with me and are very supportive except for this one nurse. I get back from my u/s and of course everyone wants to know how it went. So I told them basically what I just wrote in the above paragraph and I was all sad and the one nurse goes " yeah I know, we tried for 9 months to get pregnant and then we stopped trying because I didn't want to have a baby in December and of course we got pregnant"

A. What does that have to do with anything I just said and B. Can you be a little bit more insensitive??? This is coming from a 22 year old no less! Ugh!

Letter to my husband

Sorry I had an attitude with you this morning.
Sorry I did not notice that you left your work pants in the car yesterday when I was doing three loads of laundry and you don't have clean pants this morning.
Sorry I didn't water the plants yesterday in between laundry, grocery shopping and making 2 dozen cupcakes for you
Sorry I do not want to water them this morning before I have to go to work for 12 hours
Sorry I assumed you had watered said plants when you were outside mowing the lawn yesterday.

In between working full time, taking care of the house, rearranging my schedule to go the doctor at least once a week, and giving myself daily injections, I will try harder to be nicer to you.

Update and a recipe

I had my first monitoring appointment yesterday. I had 5 dominant follies, 2 9mm, 2 8mm and a 7.5mm. My doctor seemed pleased and she lowered my dose. Hopefully when I go back on Tuesday for my next appointment 2 of the smaller ones have stopped growing. My doctor won't proceed with the IUI if I have more than 3. Not that I would want to, as a former NICU nurse, the idea of multiples scares me. The shots are going well, I am a pro now. I can't believe how nervous I was the first time!

I made some cupcakes today, part of a fundraiser to help B out. He is doing a bike race and all the money he raises goes to the local cancer hospital.

http://annies-eats.com/2010/06/02/cookies-and-cream-cupcakes/

They are ridiculous, so yummy!!

Firsts and Lasts

First shot of Follistim tonight. I was pretty apprehensive about it. It took me a good 5 minutes to work up the courage to actually stick myself. At one point I gave the pen to B but I didn't want him to do it. After all, I am a trained medical professional. Of course, after it was over, I realized it's not that bad at all and I can do it, I will do it and it will work, if not this month, some day.

Last day of ICLW. I really enjoyed my first one and look forward to doing it again next month. I loved reading everyone's comments on my blog and they have inspired me to become more positive about my situation. I am going to really make an effort to not be such a Debbie Downer. I found lots of good blogs and am excited to follow everyone's journey through the land of IF. Here's to hoping we all make it off the island!

Nervous

So I have been hesitating to write a new post. I really thought I was pregnant this cycle (I think I say that every cycle) and of course BFN! Got AF in full force this morning. So I met with my RE today and we decided to move on to Follistim + IUI. For some reason I am so nervous about it. She gave me the option of one more cycle of Femara but after 19 months, 5 rounds of Clomid and 3 of Femara I felt it was time to move on to something else and she agreed. Yet I still have this weird feeling in my stomach. Partly from the $600 I shelled out for the drugs and partly because I have to give myself injections every day. I'm a nurse, I have given lots of injections and I am not afraid of needles but I am not really looking forward to doing it. But if it gets me knocked up, I'll try it. I am going back to acupuncture this month also so I am hoping this is it for me otherwise I am seriously going to have to change my spending habits. I have been spoiled, up until now everything has been pretty much covered except for copays. I am so thankful we can afford this right now, I can't imagine how hard it is from you ladies who don't have good coverage. It's so unfair. The government will pay medicaid to the crackhead on the corner and her 10 kids but I can't get my fertility medications paid for.

My first ICLW

Welcome to my little blog. I still haven't quite gotten the hang of blogging but I am getting there. I am not the world's best writer but I can bitch with the best of them. My TTC history is over that way ---->

RIght now I am exactly 9dpIUI and the crazies are settling in. I have had cramps since 7dpIUI, I am exhausted, and my boobs are a little sore. I am sure the cramps have nothing to do with my IBS, the exhausted feeling has nothing to do with the fact I was away for a long weekend in a 3 bedroom house with 8 adults and 4 children under 5 or the fact that I get up at 5am for work every day. And the sore boobs? They are probably sore from squeezing them 20 times a day to see if they are sore yet! I am struggling not to POAS, I have access to an unlimited supply at work but I am so afraid I will get a false positive from my trigger shot I can't bring myself to do it.

Thanks for visiting!

The 2 week wait

Ok so I guess my ovaries read my last post because they rallied. I went back for another ultrasound over the weekend and my follie grew to 18mm. Not as good as my last one but enough to trigger and do IUI #2. Hopefully one of my husband's 100 million sperm can find it.

Now is the hard part - the dreaded two week wait. The first week is not so bad but the second week every little thing I think is a pregnancy symptom. It is enough to drive me to drink (and I usually do, drink till it's pink right?!?!).

Laziness

I love to be lazy at home. I am not one of those people who needs to constantly be doing something. I can lay on the couch and watch TV all day on a Saturday. On vacation, I love to lay on the beach or by the pool and read. I can get through 4-5 books on a week vacation.

At work, I am the opposite though. I hate it when it is slow. I like to be busy all day, and if I don't have anything to do, I will find something. I CAN NOT stand lazy people at work. There is an RN I work with that is so lazy. She actually said out loud "I like when it is slow so I can sit around and do nothing" Drives me crazy! It doesn't help that she is 22 and pregnant on her first try.

I also dislike the fact that my ovaries are so damn lazy. Last cycle I produced a beautiful 23mm follicle. This cycle, 12.5. Bullshit. Why is is so hard for my ovaries to do what they are supposed to and just make a nice follicle? I am not greedy, I only need one. Moving on to injectables for next cycle. F*ck you lazy ovaries!!!

The dress

My best friend is getting married in October. I am so incredibly happy for her. When she first set her date last December and asked me to be a bridesmaid of course I said yes. She knew that B and I were trying so I warned her there was a good possibility I wouldn't be able to make it though because I would probably be pregnant. Fast forward 6 months and I am still no closer to being pregnant. Every cycle for the last few months I kept telling myself, "If I am not pregnant this cycle, I will get the dress" but I never did. If I ordered it, it was admitting defeat, I would not be pregnant for this wedding. I even went and tried it on after my last cycle failed and I developed the cyst but I still couldn't bring myself to buy it at the time.

I went ahead and ordered the dress tonight. From the website, it looked like they discontinued it so I panicked and called. Realistically even if I get pregnant this cycle I will barely be out of my first trimester for the wedding so the sizing and the traveling really shouldn't be an issue. I am am still a little sad about it. I feel like I just jinxed this cycle.

Update and a recipe

So I went to doctor Friday and YAY! The cyst is gone. Of course she told me to stop BCP so we can start this next cycle. Of course 2 weeks from that day we will be out of town for our 2 year anniversary. So I am still taking the pill, I will stop it tomorrow and hopefully get my period by the weekend. That will put me mid cycle just as we get back from our trip. I am hopeful for this cycle, it would be a nice anniversary present for us!


On a completely different topic, I made these tonight while B is at golf - http://smittenkitchen.com/2008/07/blueberry-crumb-bars/#more-531

They look and smell divine, I can not wait to taste them. Smitten Kitchen never lets me down!

Alone

I am feeling very sad, frustrated and alone today, yet another one of my friends announced her pregnancy. Seriously, why do I feel like the only person in the world who is not pregnant right now!!

Babies, babies everywhere

New Year's Eve 2009, my friend T and I decided to quit the pill and get pregnant together. It was going to be so fun, having a pregnancy buddy. I never took another pill after that night. T chickened out though and didn't stop hers until May. I kept telling her to hurry up and quit so she wouldn't be too far behind me. She delivered a baby girl on Sunday.

I was in a similar situation with R, a girl I work with. She knew I had been trying and though it would be so fun if we were pregnant together. Today was her last day at work before her scheduled C-section.

Then there is me...no pregnancy, no baby, just a large cyst that won't seem to go away. And my husband wonders why I am in a bad mood all the time. He asked me this weekend when I was going to go back to my normal happy self and I told him "when I get pregnant" He wasn't to happy with that answer. He tries to be supportive but he just doesn't get it. I do need to make more of an effort to snap out of this funk and be grateful for what I do have. Easier said than done though.

Random thoughts

I haven't written in a while, I just haven't had much to say. Today should have been my second IUI except 2 weeks ago when I went for my baseline ultrasound I had a large cyst so now I have been on the pill for the last two weeks. I guess I should be happy I ovulated last cycle, that was only the third time in 18 months. I just feel like for every positive thing that happens, a series of negative things follow right behind it.

B and I went away for the holiday weekend which was nice but I found myself staring at my pregnant sister in law's belly a lot...to the point where she probably noticed but she would never say anything because she knows what I am going through...and really what would she say? I swear though, everywhere I turned while we were away there were pregnant woman. It made me wonder if there was some kind of preggo convention at the Ritz. Even two of our servers in the bar area were pregnant!

My next ultrasound is Friday so keeping my fingers crossed.

Visitors

So my parents and my sister came to visit me this weekend for my birthday. Overall it was a great weekend, lots of yummy food and good quality family time. Other than a small tantrum I threw at the grocery store with my mom over which brand of cream cheese to buy it was a good visit.

This morning when I woke up, I had another visitor. Aunt Flo. She was not invited so I am not sure why she decided to show up, completely unannounced. I had a feeling she might show up last night but it still hurt to see her this morning. Not a good visit. I am sure she will stick around for 3-4 days and once she leaves, I hope I don't see again for about 9 months.

My Birthday

It's official. I am 31. I got a gorgeous pink leather Coach bad from B. Too bad there wasn't a baby in it. I also made this http://smittenkitchen.com/2009/07/blueberry-boy-bait/ and brought it to work yesterday. So yummy! My family is coming to visit so hopefully the weekend will fly by so I can test on Monday.

First Post

I turn 31 in 2 days and can barely get my body to ovulate let alone get pregnant. It's rather depressing. I don't know if it is all the hormones or the depression but I am turning into a rather cranky bitch. I thought starting a blog would be a good outlet for my frustrations dealing with the ups and downs of infertility. A little background info - December 31 2008, stopped my birth control in hopes of a 2009 pregnancy. I wasn't really that concerned, I always had normal periods (before 10 years on the pill), I thought I would have no trouble getting knocked up. The first few months off the pill I had really irregular periods but still wasn't concerned, it can take several months off the pill to get things back to normal, or so my doctor told me. Fast forward 6 months and the time between my periods is getting longer and longer instead of shorter and shorter. I tried the whole BBT and OPK thing but it doesn't really work if you are not ovulating!! I started Clomid 50mg in October of 2009 with my, didn't work. Round 2 100mg = BFN, Round 3 150mg = BFN. Went to see RE # 1, he told me I had PCOS (based on an ultrasound, not labwork) and told me to come back if I didn't get pregnant after 3 ovulatory cycles on clomid. Obviously he was a quack. Round 4 150mg - No "O", met with RE 2, after all the usual testing, the verdict is in, no PCOS, but unexplained infertilty with a boderline high FSH. Good times. Round 5 of Clomid with RE = No "O". On to Femara 5 mg, same story. Decided to try one more round of Femara at 7.5mg before I started shelling out the major bucks for injections. I made my husband come to my U/S appointment with me so after my RE told me I had no follies, he could learn how to inject my ass. Suprise! One gynormous follie!! Triggered and had an IUI. Currently in the 2ww.