Sorry I have been MIA since I have been back from my vacation. Can I just say that everyone should go away to an all inclusive beach resort for a week after a BFN? My last negative test (10/29) hit me harder than usual...to the point where I spent 30 minutes in the break room at work crying. Partly because I know we have only one more shot at IUI and then it will be on to IVF and partly because every failed attempt seems to chip away at me more and more. More on that later.
First of all Cabo was wonderful. I made a pact with myself that I would not think about anything IF related at all while on vacation. The only things I wanted to worry about was am I getting tan enough and what will my next drink be. Thankfully none of my friends who went brought their kids and none of them are preggo right now so it was pretty easy actually. The wedding ceremony was beautiful and the reception was an absolute blast. We had a truly fabulous time and it was definitely a nice distraction.
The pool - where I spent most of my days and the view from our balcony in the evening
Since I have been back, I have continued to avoid thinking about anything IF related. I did catch up with every one's blogs and am thinking of you all but other than that, I have been avoiding all other IF related message boards etc on the Internet. After my breakdown at work, I realized that this is really taking it's toll on me emotionally. I never thought it would come this far, almost 2 years of trying and no pregnancy. In the last 23 months I have ovulated 7 times, 6 of those medicated and 4 were inseminations and yet nothing. I just don't understand why, if there is really nothing wrong with me, I can't seem to get pregnant. And now I think it is starting to affect me physically. I left work today to go to the urgent care. I have been having some GI issues which may be due to gastroenteritis but if my symptoms don't resolve in the next day or so, my doctor thinks it's possible I may have an ulcer. Just what I need. The whole point of starting this blog was to have an outlet for my emotions but right now I just need a little mental health break from it all. I have a week left of BCP and then it will be on to my fifth and final IUI. I will try to blog more, just not about IF stuff. Time to go lay on the couch and catch up on some Grey's Anatomy.