Perspective

Last night I had a long conversation with an old friend. S and I have been friends for about 8 years, we met at our first job right after college. We both started within a few months of each other. About 6 years ago, we took a girls trip to Mexico where I met B. (random, I know). A few months later, I was with her at a party when she met M, who she would later marry. I remember when she got engaged, I was jealous because B and I had been together about the same amount of time. I remember when she got married, I was jealous because B and I still weren't engaged. I was happy for her when she got pregnant with her first child and again 8 months later when she told me she was pregnant with number 2. At that point B and I had just started trying. Over the course of her accidental pregnancy ( she was waiting for AF to start so she could get an IUD and oops, she got pregnant instead) I began to grow more and more jealous. It became clear that getting pregnant was going to be a challenge for me.

I knew that S & M were having some marriage problems but I didn't think that were that serious. Last night I discovered they were. S is seriously thinking of getting a divorce. I won't go into all the details but needless to say things are not going well for her and she is pretty unhappy with life right now. Although I can't relate to her marriage problems, thankfully B and I are as happy and in love as ever despite what a strain IF can be on our relationship. I can however understand her unhappiness. Yes, both of us have a lot to be thankful for, but at the same time, all we can focus on is what is wrong with our lives, things that are out of our hands, things we can not control.

I am so sad for her and what she is going through but hearing her just spill all her secrets last night made me feel less alone. It made me realize what may look perfect on the outside might not be so on the inside. I am still a teeny tiny bit jealous of how easy it was for her to get pregnant but am I jealous of her life anymore...nope. While I hate my infertility, how it makes me feel, the doctors appointments, the probing, the money wasted on fertility meds that aren't getting me pregnant, I wouldn't trade problems with her for anything.