It's over

Beta was 16. I am so broken right now, I don't even know how I am going to begin to put the pieces back together. I have my WTF scheduled for April 26 and I plan to cycle again as soon as I am able to. I will be taking a break from blogging, not sure it if it will be temporary or permanent so I want to wish all my cycle buddies a happy and healthy nine months and thank all of you for your love and support.

The Eleventh Circle

I have moved on from the hell of the 2ww into a new hell...beta hell. My second beta went up...but only to 54. I go back on Friday for a third beta but at this point I have no hope of this working out. I wasn't that surprised, I POAS this morning to see if it was getting darker and it actually was lighter. I am just so devastated. It just doesn't seem fair that this has to be so hard.

The results are in...

At 9dp5dt my beta is 37!! I am ecstatic of course to even have a beta number to report but still cautious because it is on the low side. My doctor called me herself to give me the results (which freaked me out, I thought it would be the nurse and I thought for sure she was calling to break the bad news to me herself) and she said not to worry about this number as long as we see a good doubling number on Tuesday. Thank you so much to all of you for your positive comments throughout this whole cycle but especially after my last post.

The Tenth Circle

I think when Dante wrote the inferno he forgot about the 10th circle, the place where infertiles get stuck during the 2 week wait, taunted by pregnant bellies, fat little babies and other women's positive pee sticks.

This is by far the most tortuous two week wait ever. My beta is Sunday and it still seems so far away. I am not feeling much of anything, boobs are sore, I am a little crampy although that seems to be dropping off but I can blame that on the progesterone.

And now I feel like karma is going to come back and bite me in the ass after I posted about my friend who perfectly planned her pregnancy last week, a few days later we got an e-mail from her husband saying that she lost the baby and now I feel terrible. Every positive beta I see makes me so happy but yet so afraid. How can it work for all of us? Odds are someone is going to get a negative and I feel like it is going to be me.

Happy Monday!

It's 3dp5dt and I am feeling pretty good. My feelings vascillate, one minute I am convinced this has worked, I'm thinking of baby names and planning nursery themes and the next second I am sure it is not going to work and mentally making a list of questions to ask at my WTF and wondering how soon I can cycle again.

I did have a nice relaxing weekend with B, watched almost all of Season 5 of Dexter, started The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest and napped a lot! Today I am making caramel brownies and lasagna to bring over to our friend's house tonight. J just had a sweet baby girl and I can't wait to meet her!

Not much else to report, this is going to be one long week until my beta. I will leave you with this video, I first saw it here and while I found it funny, I didn't really appreciate it at the time. Now that I am doing these damn PIO shots, it runs through my head every night when B is giving me my shot and cracks me up.

Blasts on Board!

Well, one beautiful blast and one morula. They better be getting cozy in my ute as I type this!

The transfer was great. Took my Valium at 10 and by the time we were in the car at 10:20 I was feeling really good. We got to the office and didn't see my doctor's car so I panicked a bit. Now that I think about it, it's actually quite sad that I go there so often that I know which car is hers. Our embryologist was waiting when we got there and told us we had only one blast for transfer and out of the 4 that were remaining this was the best looking morula. He will call us this weekend and let us know if we have any to freeze but I am not banking on it. I got changed into my gown and B put his bunny suit on and then we were taken to the procedure room. My doc came in on her day off just to do my ET so I felt pretty special. B and I really love her. She had a hard time getting a good view of my ute with the abdominal u/s but finally she found the right spot. She did a quick trial run and then the real thing. I relaxed for 15 minutes and then we left. B had to go back to work but I was so sleepy after that Valium I passed out for 2 hours!

I will be watching lots of tv and movies this weekend and reading The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest and if I finish that, The Art of Racing in the Rain. I am feeling good about this cycle right now. I know April Fools Day can have some negative connotations but not for us. 7 years ago today, B and I met randomly at an all inclusive in Mexico. I totally thought he would be just a vacation fling and I would never see him again and here we are happily married and hopefully making a baby on our 7 year anniversary! Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Fert Report Day 3

Another day of good news! 4 8 celled embryos and 1 7 celled embryo still growing like weeds. The embryologist said they all look like they are good quality so we are set for our 5dt on Friday. I just can't believe it, I am not used to getting this much good news. We have hit so many bumps in the road during this whole IF journey, I am hoping it's smooth sailing from here on out.

Side Note: B did my PIO last night, it went in great, but he was shaking so much while he was pushing the injection in I felt bad for him and it made it hurt more. He even had a beer before he did it to calm his nerves. Then he pulled it out and I was bleeding like a stuck pig. Poor B, he felt so bad but I thought it was kind of funny. I am doing my own shot tonight. :-)

And I had a little bit of brown spotting today. It really freaked me out. My IVF nurse said it was normal, probably left over from the ER. Has anyone else had that happen?

Fert Report Day 2 and miscellaneous ramblings

Good news from the embryologist again today! Our 5 little embies are growing, we have 1 5 cell and 4 4 cells. So it looks like we are doing a 5 day transfer on Friday. Yay! In other news...

So last night was B's first night having to do an IM injection. He got out of the trigger shot since he had plans with an out of town friend and he got out of my first PIO shot because they gave to me at the office while I was their for my retrieval. He is deathly afraid of needles so I wasn't sure how this would go. I figured it would be ok since he as not the one getting stuck. I drew up the PIO for him and handed it to him. I detected some hesitation on his part so I offered to stick myself so he can see how it's done. Since I am a nurse, I am a lot more comfortable giving shots than he is. I injected myself, showed him how to pull back and check for blood and then made him inject the PIO. It's about halfway in when he tells me it is taking too long. Tell me about it, it's my ass that's getting shot with oil! It all goes in and he has to sit down, he is lightheaded. He says he is not sure if he can do this. Can you imagine what the world would be like if men had to go through half of the shit we do? Even without fertility treatments, being pregnant and having a baby is no easy task. I told him to man up and I am making him do it tonight but I have a feeling I will end up doing half of my shots myself. Once you get the hang of it, it's easy and I like having control.

We had a pregnancy announcement last night. I wasn't at all surprised. I am actually not a huge fan of this girl, the first time I met her was right after I had gotten engaged and the first things she says to me is "your ring in so beautiful, is that a yellow diamond?" Um no honey it's not and that is so rude!! And for the record this is my e-ring and it doesn't look yellow at all!

Anyway, back to the story. So this girl has been planning her pregnancy for the last year. She has a twin who had a baby a year ago and she was so jealous she wanted to have one too but she was engaged and didn't want to get pregnant before their wedding, which was last November. They had a destination wedding so they planned a honeymoon to Hawaii for February and she didn't want to be pregnant for that either so she just got pregnant as soon as they got back. It's soo not fair, why can some people just decide to get pregnant and boom it happens and here I am 2+ years later still waiting. I can't even begin to imagine what it must feel like to think oh I would like to be pregnant in March, have sex and then be pregnant. Ugh.

Fert Report Day 1

We got good news from the embryologist this morning. Out of our 6 eggs, 5 were mature and 5 fertilized normally with ICSI! He said they should start dividing this afternoon so he will call tomorrow with another update but they were looking good. He will let me know tomorrow if we will do a 3 day or a 5 day transfer. It was such a relief to hear that 5 fertilized, I am such a worrier. Yesterday it was that I ovulated before the retrieval, today I was afraid they were going to call and tell me non of my eggs fertilized. Hopefully the good news trend continues. I am feeling better today so I decided to come to work. I switched assignments with someone so I can basically sit down and chart all day while another nurse sees the patients. To be honest, my ass hurts more from the PIO shot that my ovaries do. I am just uncomfortably bloated and a little sore but I have been OK with Tylenol and a thermacare heat wrap.

Retrieval

Egg retrieval is done! I work up this morning in a full on panic because my ovaries didn't hurt anymore and I totally convinced myself I had ovulated already. We got to the doctor at 8am, dropped off B's swimmers and were taken to the pre/post op room. I got to change into my super sexy gown which came straight out of a warmer along with a blanket so I was nice and cozy. The nurse anesthetists came in and talked to me and they were awesome. I got some really good drugs to relax me and then I was out. I don't even remember getting back into the post op room. The first thing I remember is waking up and laughing so hard I cried. Not sure what was so funny but B got a kick out of it. The embryologist came in and we got eggs out of all my follicles so yay for 6 eggs! Now I am just keeping my fingers crossed they all fertilize!

Now, I am snuggled up on the couch, vicodin on board, heating pad on my belly and a fire in the fireplace. I am still debating about going to work tomorrow, I am going to play it by ear. Did you guys go to work the next day or take it easy? I am just worried because it's not like I sit at a desk all day. Thanks for all the comments, positive thoughts and support this week, it made a huge difference. I can't believe less than a week ago, I was crying thinking my cycle was cancelled and here I am now with 6 eggs that will hopefully turn into some beautiful sticky embryos.

Triggered!

Things looked great at my appointment today, my E2 rose nicely so I went ahead and triggered at 9:30 tonight for an egg retrieval 8:30 Sunday morning. I am so excited it's actually happening! B had big plans tonight with a friend from out of town so I gave myself my own trigger shot. I am so proud of myself. I thought it would be a lot harder since it was IM and in my butt but it was easy and surprisingly painless despite the bigger needle. Hope all you ladies have a great weekend!

Better day

I had my appointment this morning with my doctor. I had my Novarel in my bag so she could trigger me for my IUI and my estrace pills in case my lining wasn't that good, it was only 5 on Monday. I had all these things to ask her in my head about IUI vs. IVF, changing protocols for next time etc. but I held my tongue because I wanted to see what the dildo cam had to show.

I am not sure what happened in my ute between Monday and today but I had 6 follicles in there! I am not sure where that extra one came from but there was on my left ovary and I am not complaining. My E2 was 900 on Monday which was up from my previous one so she thinks I will have 6 mature eggs. They are waiting for my E2 to come back today but the tentative plan is meds stay the same, u/s Friday am, trigger Friday pm and ER on Sunday!

These ups and downs are killing me! Monday I cried all day and today I am on cloud nine. Well, maybe cloud 7, I still wish I had some more follicles in there but at least I am not getting cancelled. At least not today anyway, who knows what will happens Friday. I really wish I had more cooperative ovaries!

Bad day

I was planning on writing a nice welcome ICLW post and doing an update on my progress today but things are not working out as I planned. For those of you who are visiting for the first time, welcome, sorry about the debbie downer post that is about to follow. A little background for first timers, I am 31, my husband B is 36. We have been TTC for a little over 2 years and have yet to get a BFP. My "diagnosis" is hypothalmic amennorrhea. Basically, I don't ovulate and no one can figure out why. We are in the middle of our first IVF cycle, however, it may turn out to be IUI #6 instead.

I had my third follie check today and it was not good. I only have five follicles, 3 on the right and 2 on the left. The 3 on the right are 10,10 and 12. The 10's haven't grown since my last appointment 3 days ago. On the left I have a 12 and a 16. Of course my doctor is not in today so I saw one of her partner's and she wasn't really happy with my progress, or lack there of. She is waiting on my E2 level and then she is going to discuss my case with my doctor before giving me any further instructions.

So of course I left and started sobbing as soon as I got in the car. I called my B and he calmed me down somewhat but by the time I got back to work, I was crying again and the thought of everyone at work asking how my appointment went was nauseating. So I went in, told my manager my appointment sucked and I needed to go home. She was really nice about, she even went and got my Lupron from the break room for me so I didn't have to walk through the unit crying.

I am devastated. We took a nice 2 month break, I got myself all geared up for IVF and now it looks like it probably won't happen. At this point, if they don't suggest converting to an IUI I think I might. I only have partial insurance coverage for one IVF and I don't know if I want to waste it on this cycle. I just don't know what to do. I feel so lost right now.

Slow and Steady...and a recipe

I had my second follie check today and it was better, my biggest follie was measuring 10mm and the others were not far behind. I only have 6 follies and I am not going to lie, I am disappointed. I was really hoping for at least double digits. This is the only IVF cycle we will have partial insurance coverage for and I really wanted to maximize that and have some frosties. If this IVF fails, we will have to save up before we can try again. I keep telling myself quality is better than quantity and it only takes one good one. She is estimating triggering Wednesday or Thursday. I got back Monday for my next appointment.

Ok so here are the cupcakes I made for the bake-off. They are amazing! They are not difficult, just time consuming but so worth it. I made the filling, frosting, and cupcakes one day and they filled and frosted them the next day.

Chocolate Caramel Cupcakes

I used this recipe for the cupcakes: http://jaimecooks.wordpress.com/2010/01/16/chocolate-cupcakes-with-vanilla-malted-frosting/

I used this recipe for the frosting: http://www.joythebaker.com/blog/2011/02/dulce-de-leche-cupcakes/

I followed these instructions to make the filling, I used 2 cans and doubled the baking time: http://www.davidlebovitz.com/2005/11/dulce-de-lechec/

And if you never made filled cupcakes, this is a great tutorial, I used the cone method for these cupcakes: http://annies-eats.net/2011/03/07/how-to-make-filled-cupcakes/

You win some and you lose some

I won the bake off today! I actually won in 2 categories, best cupcake and I was the people's choice winner. They turned out amazing, I will post the recipe later this week.

I had my first follie check today and there's not much going on. After 3 days of stims my E2 was only 54 so we upped the follistim and I go back to the doctor friday, hopefully for some better news.

Busy bee

Lots of stuff going on the last few days, here is the rundown...

Thursday - Lady GaGa was awesome! I am so so glad I went.

Friday - Met my new acupuncturist. Mine is out of the country for 4 months so she referred me to someone else. I liked the new person and will be going twice a week for until transfer. She said I am way too stressed and anxious, not that I am surprised. We also went to a hockey game with my husbands brother and sister in law. There is some drama going on with my mother in law that occurred and continued into Saturday but I'll spare you the boring details.

Saturday - Started stims! I am doing 5u of Lupron and 75 of Menopur in the am and 200 of Follistim in the pm. My first follie check is Tuesday. My sister in law and 4 month old nephew were in town and I got to see them. I snuggled with my nephew and he fell asleep on my chest for about 30 minutes. I am hoping he sent some good baby vibes to by ovaries to produce lots of good sticky eggs! It is therapeutic snuggling with a baby, it is one of the things I miss most about working in the NICU, I used to love snuggling babies on night shift.

Today - Making cupcakes for a bake off at work. I really want to win. I am making Dulce de Leche filled chocolate cupcakes with Dulce de Leche frosting. If they turn out well, I will share the recipe. Hope you all are having a great weekend!

GaGa

My doctor's office is about 20-30 minutes away from my house and work so I spend a fair amount of time in the car traveling to my appointments. Most of the time there is never anything good on the radio and somehow I got into this habit of listening to Lady GaGa on the way to and from my appointments. It became a ritual, some people wear lucky sucks, I had to listen to Lady GaGa. Not that it has worked yet but tomorrow I am going to see Lady GaGa in concert!! I am so excited!! Not only do I love her music, I feel like it is my good luck charm for this cycle. Maybe the cd was not cutting it, maybe I need to see her live for it to work. Even if it doesn't I am sure the concert will rock. The funny thing is, when the tickets went on sale last year it was right before I started my first IUI so I didn't buy them becuase I thought for sure I would either have just had a baby or would be very pregnant right now. Fast forward 10 months and here I am starting IVF so I thought what the hell, I am going damn it! I got lucky and scored some decent seats for a great price and am really looking forward to one last fun night out with the girls before I start my meds on Saturday. I had my suppression check yesterday and everything looks great so here we go!

Mental Health Day

It's official, my first IVF cycle has begun. I went to acupuncture on Wednesday night. Yesterday was my first day of Lupron. I celebrated by going out with some girls after work where I ate some greasy pizza and drank a couple of beers. I came home and popped my first 2 pills from my Z-pack. By 2:30 am I was up having tons of hot flashes and my IBS was really flaring up. So I decided to take a mental health day from work today. I laid in bed most of the day, dozing on and off while watching The Today Show and some DVR'd programs.

Even though we took a break and have been planning this for 2 months, I still don't feel ready. I am so scared this is not going to work and just don't know how I will handle it if it doesn't. My friend K called me today which was great timing. She has an 8 month old as a result of her first IVF. It was great to hear that she had the same thoughts and fears as I did and I feel much better after our conversation.

Today was my day to feel sorry for myself but it will stop here. I am going to my big girl panties on and have a better outlook about the whole situation. I am a strong person and I have an amazing husband, we will get through this no matter what the outcome. It helps knowing I am not alone in this process, good luck to my 2 cycle buddies...Miss Mac is about 1 week ahead of me and Lauren will be about one week behind me. Hoping for happy and healthy pregnancies for all 3 of us!

Playing Pretend

Did you ever play pretend when you were little? My sister and I could play for hours. One of our favorites was playing office. We would set up our desks and our pretend boss Mr.Boggle (I can't even believe I still remember his name!) would give us tasks to do. Don't even get me started on the elaborate scenarios we would act out with our barbies!

I have been playing pretend ever since I signed my consents for my IVF. I am just so damn sick of being infertile, I decided to just pretend I wasn't. Since I didn't have anything IF related between that appointment and when I start Lupron it was easier than it sounds. I did what I wanted without thinking of how it would affect or not affect my fertility. I went to yoga and twisted my body in positions in shouldn't be in, I drank alcohol and caffeine, had a normal sex life, it was pretty nice. Don't get me wrong, it was still there in the back of my mind but I tried really hard to keep it shoved back there. It's quite sad when you think about it, I actually had to pretend to be "normal".

All that was over on Saturday when I get my HUGE box of meds. Talk about overwhelming! I knew I was expecting a lot of stuff but to see it all laid out on my counter was slightly scary. So I think my little game of pretend is pretty much over. It was nice while it lasted though. We have one last weekend of fun in the sun planned. We are heading to Florida for a long weekend to visit some family. I am excited to see my nieces, meet my new nephew (he will be 4 months old tomorrow!), hit the beach, and of course drink wine with my sister-in-law. I am so lucky that my husband's siblings and their spouses are awesome! Then Lupron starts on March 3rd.

Filter Free Friday

AP over at My Dusty Uterus came up with this amazing idea for filter free fridays.

My thought for today is:

Sometimes I park in the expectant mother only parking spots at my grocery store. They just put the spots in a few months ago and when I know I am only going in to grab something quick I park there if it's the closest spot. And I don't feel bad about. I hate that they are there to remind me every time I go to the grocery that I am not expecting and I may never be.

And the Oscar goes too...

the biggest blogger slacker ever! I have been avoiding the blog world for over a week now (more on this in a later post) and I return to find not one but three awards. I feel like I don't even deserve them now. But I am so grateful for the love, it is much needed and appreciated. I am mostly caught up on reading and I will try to catch up on my comments soon. In the meantime...

Thank you to Lauren over at Lauren vs. The World. She has her first IVF consult coming up so go over and give her some support.

Thank you to Amy over at Maternal Hope. She is in the midst of her first IVF cycle, so stop on over and give her some encouragement.

Thank you to Cher over at In a Nutshell. She is saving up for IVF #2 and we should be cycling around the same time so make sure to go on over and say hi!

So, on to the rules for the awards...

Rules for accepting this award:

1. Thank and Link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 other bloggers the award.
4. Contact bloggers and let them know about the award and that they received it

7 Random Facts about me:

1. I am a NYC snob, even though I don't live there anymore, I still think it is the greatest city ever.

2. I have a huge sweet tooth, I snack on candy every afternoon at work and eat dessert every night after dinner.

3. My husband started out as a vacation fling. When I first met him, I had no intention of ever seeing him again.

4. I love to travel, my "consolation prize" if this IVF fails is a trip to Spain and Italy.

5. If I knew I wouldn't get skin cancer, I'd tan all year. I love being tan, not Jersey Shore Orange tan but a nice healthy glow.

6. I am addicted to my iPhone, I am on it all the time. My husband thinks I have a problem and I should give it up for Lent.

7. I love to read, my husband and I frequent the library and I always have at least 2 books on my nightstand and many more on my must read list.

As far as nominations go, if you stuck around during my extra long hiatus, you are nominated!

Moving right along...

Welcome all from ICLW! You can read about my TTC over that way ------->

Long story short, after 2 years of trying, we are moving on to IVF. Today I had my saline ultrasound and mock transfer. It wasn't to bad although apparently I have a sensitive uterus. My Dr was surprised at how I knew immediately when she was pushing in more fluid. Also my cervix is pretty tightly closed so during my ER she is going to dilate it a smidge to ensure the catheter passes in easily and quickly the day of my transfer. I also had lots of blood drawn.

When I had talked to the IVF nurse a few weeks ago, we had planned in cycling early march with an estimated ER on 3/17 but my doctor asked me today if I would consider pushing it back because she would be out of town that week and even though one of her partners could do it, she really wanted to be there. She is so sweet. So now we are looking at 3/24 as our estimated date. At least now I don't have to worry about starting Lupron while we are on vacation in Florida at the end of February.

I still have a consultation next week with Dr.P. He has come highly recommended from my acupuncturist, a good friend and lots of women in my support group. He is an Ob/Gyn that uses NaPro Technology and the Creighton Model. To be honest, I really don't buy into it but so many people have said such wonderful things about him I figured it can't hurt to have a consultation. I still do think there is something wrong with my hormones that my RE can't figure out so maybe he has another idea. Has anyone had any experience with this method?

Weekend Update

There is nothing to exciting going on in my world so not much to talk about.

In IF news...Thursday I had my mandatory IVF class which I thought was interesting but nothing I didn't already know. The embryologist talked in depth about the IVF process for 1.5 hours, it definitely could have been condensed in to 45 minutes. I have my saline ultrasound and mock transfer scheduled for Friday and that will be my last appointment until my suppression check March 1.

Sort of IF related...I bought a Groupon last week for laser hair removal. It was $100 for 4 treatments, I couldn't pass it up. I had my first session on Thursday. I figured I have enough people poking around my vagina, I should have my bikini done. No more worrying about shaving for my appointments! It actually wasn't that bad, but I have been getting bikini waxes almost every month for the last 10 years so I think I am very tolerant to pain in that area.

Not IF related at all...I am throwing in party for all my work friends on Saturday and I am excited. It's partially an excuse to try out some yummy new recipes I have been dying to make and partially because we have been so busy lately we needed a fun outside of work activity. I will post some of the recipes after the party if they turn out as good as they look!

A Plan

After my IVF consult, I was waiting for the IVF nurse to call me to over "the plan" We played some phone tag but I finally talked to her today and she was so nice, I liked her immediately. I was a little worried because there is a nurse in the office that I really don't like, she has made a few comments to me that made me think she didn't really know what she was doing but she is nothing like her.

I have my IVF class on Thursday. My saline ultrasound and labs will be on 1/21 and then I will start Lupron 2/24. It's crazy, I thought I was taking a 2 month break but there is so much prep for an IVF cycle, it seems like I barely have time to get used to the idea that I am actually even doing it.

I have been thinking since my last post about how I was having a hard time putting into words how I was feeling. I think the problem is while I am happy to be moving on and increasing my chances of getting pregnant, I know that IVF is not guaranteed. It might not work, I might not get pregnant. And I don't even want to think about how I will feel if this doesn't work. So I am trying to avoid feeling anything.

As my husband put it, it's like we are walking into a casino, walking up to the roulette table, dropping $10,000 on red and hoping black doesn't show up. It's a 50/50 chance.

IVF consult

I had my IVF consult today. I thought this would be an easy post to write but I am having a hard time putting my feelings into words. I think it is because I am feeling so many conflicting emotions. I am nervous and scared and at the same time happy and hopeful. I am overwhelmed at the amount of information I received today. My doctor didn't really have any answers for me though as to why I am not ovulating so that was disappointing but she seems confident that IVF can work for us. The IVF nurse will be calling me this week to set up a schedule, I am planning for ER/ET mid March. They also have a financial person who calls your insurance company and finds out what will be covered and what won't to let you know how much it will cost. We have some coverage so that will be helpful since she said the average cost without any coverage at all is $12,000. I have lots to think about, I'll try to sort out some feelings and have a better post another day.

2 years

2 years ago on New Years Eve I took my last BCP. This New Years Eve I started them back up again. I wasn't going too, but I really want to start my IVF cycle end of Feb/beginning of March and I was afraid I wouldn't get a period. Last time I was not medicated it took me 61 days and 2 rounds of Provera to make AF appear. I just can't believe it's been 2 years and I have not gotten pregnant and am getting ready to start IVF. I never thought I'd be here, it just seems so surreal.