Where I wish I was...

This is sunset at Isle of Palms, SC. This is where I wish I was right now.

Where I am is:
I feel like I start every recent blog post apologizing for being a bad blogger. I am going to stop doing that and just accept that this is all I can give right now. I promise I am reading and silently cheering people along or sympathizing with them I just haven't been very good about verbalizing it.

Things are slowly moving along for me. My sister is coming out here in 2 weeks, we have our psych eval, which I was horrified to find out would take 3 hours and is so expensive. Although really what is another $800 at this point? She will also have her first appointment/exam with my RE also. I found an RE right by her office so it will be easy for her to go to her monitoring appointment when (and if) we cycle.

I finally got my period, while I was on vacation of course, so now I am on the pill to keep me regular until we start our donor cycle. Vacation was amazing, much needed, although all the stress free, relaxing feelings disappeared as soon as we stepped off the plane and back to reality. I start acupuncture back this week so I am hoping that will help me chill out a little.

We have a fun weekend ahead. B's birthday is Sunday so we are having some family over for Easter/B-Day Party. Tomorrow night we will go out with his bro and SIL. Hope everyone enjoys their weekend!

Updates

I have been such a bad blogger lately. There just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day to get everything I need to done let alone sit down and write and comment on blogs. The weather here has been unseasonably warm and I have been taking full advantage of it by spending almost every night after work outside, either going for a bike ride or run or just sitting on my front porch enjoying some wine with B.

We are getting ready to leave for a 4 day trip to the beach on Wednesday and I am really looking forward to the break. We will be visiting B's cousins and I am excited to see them. Plus it will be nice to relax and recharge. I haven't been sleeping well and work has been crazy lately so I am exhausted. I did treat myself to a mani/pedi and massage on Friday courtesy of some groupons so that was nice.

On the fertility front...I started going back to my Resolve support group and I am glad I did. While no one in the group right now is going through a donor cycle it's still nice to be surrounded by women who truly understand what you are going through. I also learned of a community acupuncture place from one of the women in the group where you pay what you can so I think once we get back from our trip I am going to start going again. I know it will help with my stress, anxiety and sleep issues but I stopped going because it was so expensive. My sisters labs came back and they were good so we get to move on to the next step of her coming out here for an appointment and exam with my dr. Her AMH is at an impressive 5.62 which gives me hope for a great response. I would love to have some frosties for a sibling. I still haven't gotten my period after my failed IVF so I am going to have some labs drawn tomorrow and then I can start provera. I am planning on syncing myself up with my sister so we can get started with this donor cycle ASAP if everything goes well with her appointment next month.

I know I've said this before but I have the best coworkers. They surprised me yesterday with a beautiful orchid and a gift card to one of my favorite cooking stores and a super sweet card. I am so lucky to work with such wonderful and supportive women. Have a great week!

Baby Steps

I finally heard from the donor coordinator today. It only took 10 days. I was getting really frustrated but apparently there was some confusion about me using my sister as a donor. Anyway, she was super nice and apologetic and I got all my questions answered. The first step is having my sister get her CD FSH and AMH drawn. My sister will be getting her period next week (she is on the pill) so she should be getting those drawn on Friday. Once they come back and are hopefully awesome then we can map out the rest of the cycle. Between my sister's schedule and B and I's schedule she won't be able to get out here until mid April for her exam but as long as that looks good, we can expect the retrieval to probably be in early June. Yay!

I think I am slowly working my way out of my depression. The spring like weather is definitely helping as well as my amazing support system... and a little bit of pampering doesn't hurt either! I have been such bad blogger, I am reading and keeping up, just haven't been commenting but I am thinking of you all!

Shattered

How many times can I break till I'm shattered? This line from an O.A.R song (one of my favorite bands btw) keeps running through my head. I feel like Humpty Dumpty and don't know if I can ever be put back together. The first week or so after my chemical were ok, I had a plan, I was prepared for this. Now I am just a mess. Thankfully my doc wrote me a prescription for something so I can relax and sleep at night but I am a mess during the day. I had a full on break down at work the other day, sobbing hysterically. Three people in the last week have suggested therapy and when your boss hands you a card for the Employee Assistance Program, that's not a good sign. I am just so so sad.

On a positive note, we are getting the ball rolling with getting my sister tested to be my donor. I had a bunch of labs drawn the other day, my husband is having some drawn next week and if the nurse would ever call me back, we can get my sister tested for some stuff hopefully before her appointment with my doc. My sister lives about 8 hours away so I am trying to get as much done as possible before her appointment so if things go well she can start meds. She is going to Europe this summer and really wants to donate before she leaves. However since the donor nurse has yet to call me, I don't even know if this is feasible.

I just feel like I am never going to catch a break.

Decisions, Decisions

I have been awfully quiet over here. I have been doing a lot of thinking and still haven't figured out a plan yet. There's too many choices and variables and the more I think about things, the more confused I get. I am lucky that B and my doctor are on board with whatever I choose but I really don't want the responsibility of choosing. I am so afraid I am going to make the wrong choice. And really that's what it all comes down too. What if I make the wrong choice?

I am still struggling with whether or not to do the immunology work up or not. If the immune work up shows that there is an issue then do I cycle again with my eggs in hopes that my chemicals were due to immune issues? What if I have crappy eggs and immune problems? Or do I just move ahead with donor eggs and forget about the immune testing because it's probably just my shitty eggs causing the chemicals? I just wish someone could give me the answer! I don't have a problem with any of the options, I just don't want to waste time and money on something that is not going to work.

Moving on...

Well, my second beta was 7 so I have stopped all meds and am waiting for my period. I am doing better than I thought I would and much better than I did after my last IVF. Thankfully, Wednesday was my day off so I spent most of it in bed and cried every time someone sent me a text, which was a lot, because I have some pretty amazing friends. After a 4 week hiatus I enjoyed coffee, wine and sex all in the same day!

Now I am just figuring out where to go from here. I was positive I was going to move on to donor eggs after this cycle but now I am having second thoughts. Not about using DE but about my diagnosis. I know my FSH is high but my AMH isn't that bad and I am not that old. At 32, going on 33, I should still have some good eggs in there. Even though I don't make that many eggs, I have a great fertilization rate, although not many make it to blast. After having 2 chemicals I am wondering if something else is going on with me. I have been doing some research and I am thinking about having a consultation with a reproductive immunologist. I am not sure how my RE will feel about this since RI seems like it not widely accepted yet.

If anyone has any thoughts, experiences, or knows of any blogs by girls who have used/are using a reproductive immunologist please let me know!

Who did I piss off?

I really think the universe has it out for me. Beta was 9 10dp5dt. I just wanted a positive or negative. My doctor is making me go back Thursday for a recheck but really? I just want this to be over but now I feel like it is going to be dragged out all week.

FML

I have been to busy wallowing to blog. My beta is tomorrow and I am freaking out! I have zero symptoms but my gut is telling me BFN. Last year, I had a feeling it was going to be positive. I know it's not over until tomorrow but I hate having this bad feeling. I am putting a bottle of my favorite wine in the fridge just in case. To top it all off, I had a patient come in for surgery today and they had a positive pregnancy test. Keep in mind I work at a Children's hospital. So that was fun to deal with.

Soup and Granola

Well, I did good for one day. Today I am home alone with virtually no distractions and already my mind is going places it shouldn't. In an effort to keep the evil thoughts at bay, I have been busy in the kitchen.

First I made this potato soup with some modifications. I only pureed one potato into the soup, the other I diced and added in after because I like a chunky soup. I cut back on the chicken broth by 1/2 cup since I left out the potato. I used fat free milk and fat free Fage greek yogurt in place of the sour cream. I also added some garlic powder and smoked paprika because I thought it was a little bland. It came out pretty darn tasty but 1 cup portions seemed really small so I portioned it out in 2 cup portions. It's still healthier than most potato soups.

Next up, I made my favorite granola. This recipe was given to me by one of my coworkers and I love it because it is so adaptable. I have made it with so many different kinds of dried fruits and nuts.

4 cups old fashioned oats (not quick cooking)
1/2 cup shredded coconut
1/2 cup canola or vegetable oil
1/2 cup honey
1 1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1/2 cup chopped nuts of your choice
1/2 cup dried fruit of your choice

Bake @ 350 for 20 minutes, stir x3 while baking, granola will harden as it cools. Add dried fruit once granola is out of oven. You can also add chocolate or white chocolate chips at this point, though I never do. I increase the amount of nuts and fruit if I skip the coconut. I love using dried cherries,blueberries and pecans. I also usually double the cinnamon and nutmeg because I love those flavors.

The worst part about cooking...cleaning up! I am off to clean up the kitchen and then I should probably shower and get out of my pajamas. We are meeting some friends and there 2 adorable girls for dinner tonight so at least I have something to look forward to now that all my cooking is done. It is nearly 60 degrees here today which is unheard of here in January. I hope it you are enjoying some spring like weather wherever you are!

Transfer complete!

I had my embryo transfer yesterday. I was a little nervous since I hadn't had an update since day one. Out of our original super seven, I had one "picture perfect blast" (embryologist's words, not mine), it had already started hatching and one compacting morula. The others had all arrested on day three so I am so glad we did not do a three day transfer. It's so hard not to get my hopes up, I mean a perfect hatching blast, how can I not get pregnant?? But I know what the odds are and they are not 100%.

I am trying to keep busy, I took today and tomorrow off work. My friend S, who I work with, is bringing me some Panera for lunch while I give her some relationship advice, she just broke off her engagement. I plan on making some homemade granola later also. Tomorrow I am not sure what I am going to do but it is going to be unseasonably warm and I am don't want to be cooped up in the house all day. I also plan on making some potato soup for lunch the rest of the week. I have been craving it and B hates it so I never make it. I will post the recipe if it comes out good, it's WW friendly. I have some books loaded on my Kindle although nothing I am too excited about. Anyone read anything good lately? I read so much, sometimes I feel like I am running out of books!

Off to catch up on blogs and comments from the weekend!

Lucky 7

I got the call yesterday that out of the 11 eggs retrieved, 7 were mature and all 7 fertilized normally with ICSI. I was shocked. I thought 5, maybe 6 would be mature so I was pretty excited to hear 7. The embryologist called again today to say they were still doing well and we would do a 5 day transfer on Sunday. He then proceeded to tell me how many cells they were but I was at work and it got loud so I missed it. I thought about asking him to repeat it and then I said fuck it. It doesn't really matter, it's not going to change anything. He asked if I wanted another update tomorrow and I told him no thanks. I am just going to show up Sunday and see what I got.

Last cycle I was very focused on numbers, I knew my e2, the size of my follicles and how thick my lining was after every appointment. This cycle I tried not to think about it and I discovered sometimes a little ignorance is bliss. I used to think I would worry more by not knowing every little detail but this cycle I actually worried less. I think I am finally beginning to realize that I have no control in this situation (it only took me 3 years) and am letting go a little bit.

Retrieval is done

I was more nervous going in this time than last time. All day yesterday I just had this pit in my stomach. I think it's because I feel as though there is more riding on this outcome. Even though it was such a roller coaster last time leading up to the ER, I still had high hopes of it working. After that chemical pregnancy and my recent FSH I am not feeling as positive. I know I have my age going for me as far as quality is concerned but I can't forget that I had a chemical pregnancy with a perfect blast last time. I also know this is my last chance with my eggs and sometimes that is hard to think about...but that's a while different post for another day.

We got to the RE's at 7am and it was uneventful. They did retrieve 11 eggs but i think that is a bit deceiving, based on my E2 and the size of my follies the day of trigger, I am guessing only 5, maybe 6 will be mature. I'm ok with that though, it's what we had last time. Hopefully we have an awesome fert rate again. Last time 5 out of 6 fertilized and we were able to do a 5dt.

B stayed home with me this morning until I fell into a Vicodin coma and then went in to work. I am catching up on some DVR programs and relaxing. Still debating on going to work tomorrow. Last year I went and took it easy and I survived. This year I swore I was not going in but now I feel bad for my staff since I am in charge. I know they will be ok with out me and there is a contingency plan in place already if I don't show so I am just going to see how I feel later.

Finally

If you are visiting from ICLW welcome! For first time visitors, I am in the middle of IVF cycle #2, you can read more about me and my past cycles by clicking the tabs above.

Good news - After 14 days on stims I finally get to trigger tonight!
Bad news - I only have 5 follicles that are probably mature, 17mm-21mm. I have 5 others on my left ovary but they stopped growing days ago, they are all 8mm-12mm.

So despite my new protocol I am still going to end up with the same number of eggs. I know it could be worse, at my appointment Friday my doctor wasn't sure if I would get more than 3. This news of course led to a small breakdown and I spent the first 20 minutes at work crying about it. After all this, it just reinforces my decision to use donor eggs if this cycle does not work. I don't think I can go through this again.

I am doing some baking therapy today, saw this recipe on Pinterest and couldn't resist! My coworkers have been wonderfully supportive of me these past few weeks so I thought they deserved a tasty treat.

Day 11

11 days of stims and counting...



Please excuse the bloat.

Deja Vu

I knew better than to have much hope for this IVF cycle, I even said that in my last post.  I have never been a good responder and with my FSH I really can't expect too much.  Still, there was a teeny tiny part of me that was hoping things would be different with my new protocol.  I tried to be realistic, I wasn't expecting eggs in the double digits or anything but I figured there would be some improvement from last time.  I went for my first follie check on Thursday and I had 7 follies between 5-8mm.  I was shocked!  Last year I had no measurable follicles at my first appointment.  Things were looking good.  Then my E2 level came back.  It was only 68.  Last year with no measureable ones it was 54.  And it's been downhill from there.  Even after a big increase in my meds, I went back yesterday and there has been almost no growth.  They did find another follicle but none of them are over 9mm after 7 days of stims.  My E2 level was better so I am going back tomorrow for another check.  I really don't know why I am surprised, the same thing happened last year.  It still stings though.  Why can't I just catch a  break?

The Space Between

It's been about nine months since I last posted. I could have (should have) had a baby in that time. Instead I have been in this weird place, "afertile" if you will. After my chemical pregnancy in April I was pretty depressed. I thought I would cycle again ASAP but my dear husband pointed out to me that was probably not good for my mental health. So I just stopped everything. I didn't focus on my infertility, I stopped blogging, reading message boards, researching treatment options, etc. I didn't focus on my fertility, I drank lots and lots of wine, I stopped my PNV and various other supplements I was taking, I didn't temp or chart despite the fact that I started having regular cycles again after my chemical. Hence the term "afertile"

A year and half of back to back treatments, breaking only for cysts, really did a number on me. I didn't even realize it until B pointed it out. Slowly but surely I started to feel like myself again. The wine definitely helped. The we decided instead of cycling again in 2011, we wanted to do something fun with our money. My dream was to visit Italy before we started TTC but we never made it so off to Italy we went. We spent a fabulous 2 week vacation exploring Venice, Florence and Rome. It was wonderful and I am so glad we chose to do that. I am in a much better place to try IVF again.

I am not holding out too much hope for this cycle. My FSH is now 16.6 and am pretty sure my egg quality is shit. B and I already discussed it and if this does not work we are going to cycle next with donor eggs. After 3 years of TTC, I am ready to be pregnant.

I am happy to be back to blogging, hopefully some of you are still out there reading.