Wednesday, January 4, 2012

The Space Between

It's been about nine months since I last posted. I could have (should have) had a baby in that time. Instead I have been in this weird place, "afertile" if you will. After my chemical pregnancy in April I was pretty depressed. I thought I would cycle again ASAP but my dear husband pointed out to me that was probably not good for my mental health. So I just stopped everything. I didn't focus on my infertility, I stopped blogging, reading message boards, researching treatment options, etc. I didn't focus on my fertility, I drank lots and lots of wine, I stopped my PNV and various other supplements I was taking, I didn't temp or chart despite the fact that I started having regular cycles again after my chemical. Hence the term "afertile"

A year and half of back to back treatments, breaking only for cysts, really did a number on me. I didn't even realize it until B pointed it out. Slowly but surely I started to feel like myself again. The wine definitely helped. The we decided instead of cycling again in 2011, we wanted to do something fun with our money. My dream was to visit Italy before we started TTC but we never made it so off to Italy we went. We spent a fabulous 2 week vacation exploring Venice, Florence and Rome. It was wonderful and I am so glad we chose to do that. I am in a much better place to try IVF again.

I am not holding out too much hope for this cycle. My FSH is now 16.6 and am pretty sure my egg quality is shit. B and I already discussed it and if this does not work we are going to cycle next with donor eggs. After 3 years of TTC, I am ready to be pregnant.

I am happy to be back to blogging, hopefully some of you are still out there reading.


  1. Welcome back!!! Italy sounds amazing - I'm glad you took a break for some YOU time. Sounds like it was much needed. Best wishes this cycle!

  2. Glad to see you back blogging again! Italy sounds like a wonderful time - we managed to spend some time in Sardinia a few years back, but I'd love to go back and see Rome! Also the wine!!!

    Sometimes taking a break and getting back to your self is desperately needed - this is a tough journey to be on! I'll be following your journey and hoping that 2012 is your year!

  3. Hey there, welcome back! Good to hear from you. I am glad you took a lengthy break, it can make an enormous difference. It is healthy not to think about ttc nonstop for what feels like forever.
    I am still around & will be cheering you along on your journey to grow your family!