BFN

So I had my beta drawn at work yesterday for two reasons. One is it is easy, I have one of the other nurses draw it and I just drop it off at the lab. The second is because I can look up the results in the computer. I knew it was going to be negative, I had POAS the day before and it was negative. But actually seeing the word negative in all caps just put me over the edge. I had started bawling at work. Thank God I work with the most amazing women.

I am ok now, off to drown my sorrows in Cabo San Lucas. I will be drinking lots of margaritas and getting a wicked tan, see you all in 8 days!

4 more days

Sorry it's been so long since I last posted, lots of stuff going on here. My oldest dearest friend got married this weekend so I was out of town for the last 4 days. It was nice to be home with my family and old friends. I was really looking forward to her wedding (for obvious reasons) and also because none of my friends from home have kids/are pregnant. Of course, one of my friends announced she was pregnant at the wedding and almost simultaneously I get a text from my SIL saying she is in labor. Of course I am happy for my friend and my SIL but it still hurt. I ended up drinking more than I should have although I doubt it matters anyway since I am probably not pregnant. I do have a new nephew now and I am thrilled, I can't wait to meet him. Hopefully we can get down to FL in Dec or Jan. He is my 8th nephew/niece, my husbands siblings are a fertile bunch. It sucks being the only one in his family without kids.

Only four more days until my beta. Even though I have almost no hope that this cycle is going to be successful there is always that little teeny tiny piece of me thinking that it might be. This cycle is really getting to me, I had two mini meltdowns over the weekend and my panic attacks are starting to come back. I felt bad for my mom, my husband is used to my mood swings but my mom is not and she was shocked when I started freaking out over something silly. That's just not me. I started getting panic attacks when I was in college and was in therapy/taking meds on and off since then but I have been doing well for about 2 years until now. Things aren't bad yet but I am worried they will get bad again. At least we leave for vacation on Sunday, a week at the beach sounds like just what the doctor ordered.

Discouraged

Sorry I haven't been posting much, I just haven't felt like blogging about what a shitty cycle this is. For some reason, my doctor had a really hard time stimming me and finally after 3 weeks of follistim I have one follicle large enough to trigger. I have plenty of other ones (at least 7) but they just weren't really growing much. My lining was awful so I have been on estrogen and she couldn't even monitor my E2 levels. Needless to say I don't have much hope for this cycle and left the office with a script for BCP for my break cycle. I know it only takes one but I am worried about the quality of this egg since it took so damn long to grow. Ugh. I have my beta the day before I leave for Cabo for 8 days so there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If I am not preggo, at least I get to spend the next week drinking margaritas on the beach with a bunch of my friends.

I talked to her about what the plan would be for next cycle and she said it was worth it to do one more inject cycle before moving on to IVF. I am debating whether or not to do it between Thanksgiving and Christmas or just wait until after the new year. I kind of want to get it over with, if it doesn't work, I think B and I will go to Hawaii in February and then try IVF after we get back. But I don't know if I need the added stress around the holidays. Any thoughts or opinions are welcome!

Perspective

Last night I had a long conversation with an old friend. S and I have been friends for about 8 years, we met at our first job right after college. We both started within a few months of each other. About 6 years ago, we took a girls trip to Mexico where I met B. (random, I know). A few months later, I was with her at a party when she met M, who she would later marry. I remember when she got engaged, I was jealous because B and I had been together about the same amount of time. I remember when she got married, I was jealous because B and I still weren't engaged. I was happy for her when she got pregnant with her first child and again 8 months later when she told me she was pregnant with number 2. At that point B and I had just started trying. Over the course of her accidental pregnancy ( she was waiting for AF to start so she could get an IUD and oops, she got pregnant instead) I began to grow more and more jealous. It became clear that getting pregnant was going to be a challenge for me.

I knew that S & M were having some marriage problems but I didn't think that were that serious. Last night I discovered they were. S is seriously thinking of getting a divorce. I won't go into all the details but needless to say things are not going well for her and she is pretty unhappy with life right now. Although I can't relate to her marriage problems, thankfully B and I are as happy and in love as ever despite what a strain IF can be on our relationship. I can however understand her unhappiness. Yes, both of us have a lot to be thankful for, but at the same time, all we can focus on is what is wrong with our lives, things that are out of our hands, things we can not control.

I am so sad for her and what she is going through but hearing her just spill all her secrets last night made me feel less alone. It made me realize what may look perfect on the outside might not be so on the inside. I am still a teeny tiny bit jealous of how easy it was for her to get pregnant but am I jealous of her life anymore...nope. While I hate my infertility, how it makes me feel, the doctors appointments, the probing, the money wasted on fertility meds that aren't getting me pregnant, I wouldn't trade problems with her for anything.

I hate my ovaries

I went back to the doctor Friday and things had somewhat improved. I had 8 measurable follies this time ranging from 6mm-9mm. I started estrace for my lining. *TMI ALERT* but between the estrace, the dildo cam and the progesterone supps, I think I have more foreign objects in my vagina than penis!

I go back tomorrow for another check. I am still not feeling good about this though. 8 is obviously too many so if they all continue to progress we will have to cancel. I am still worried that if does work out, my IUI's are going to ruin B's fishing trip next weekend. Ugh, why do my ovaries have to bee so difficult? Just once I would like for things to go smoothly.

Co-workers

A couple of weeks ago I was having lunch with some of my coworkers. There were 6 of us, ranging in age from 23-31, me being the oldest. I had mentioned that I had wanted to go outside, it was a beautiful day and we have no windows in our unit so I wanted to enjoy 15 minutes of sunshine before going back to work. No one else really wanted to go so I sat there chatting. Somehow the conversation took a turn and they were taking about being pregnant. None of the girls currently are pregnant but 2 of them have kids. The other 3 are not married and only one is in a relationship and then there is me and my IF. All of these girls know exactly what I am going through. At this point I knew I was getting sick, I was totally PMS'ing, AF was coming (she arrived the next morning) and I wasn't in the mood to hear it. So I told S, sitting across from me I was going outside and I just got up and left. I really didn't think too much of it. They knew I had wanted to go outside. When got back up to work though I was shocked. I got stopped by one of them as soon as I walked in, she was in tears and apologizing for being so insensitive. I told her it was all good, I had just wanted to go outside. Making my way back to the break room, I got stopped by another girl, also in tears, saying the same thing. I felt awful that I made them feel so awful. I found the other girls and let them know I was ok and they didn't do anything wrong. I don't want them to feel like they have to watch what they say in front of me.

I am so lucky to work with such a great bunch of women, I didn't realize how much they truly cared about me until that day. On the other hand, now I feel like they are tip toeing around me, not one of them has asked me what was going on with regards to my IF since then. That is not really a bad thing though since things are not really going well right now and I don't like talking about it. I work with such a small group of women and we are a pretty tight knit group, except for this one nurse. It hard to keep secrets, especially when I am always leaving in the middle of a shift, coming in late or switching my days off to accommodate my appointments. On one hand, I am glad they know, it nice to have thier support, but after this incident, now I wish they didn't. I already feel left out within my circle of friends most of them time since I am one of the only one without kids and now I feel like that at work too. It's hard being an infertile in a fertile's world.