It's over

Beta was 16. I am so broken right now, I don't even know how I am going to begin to put the pieces back together. I have my WTF scheduled for April 26 and I plan to cycle again as soon as I am able to. I will be taking a break from blogging, not sure it if it will be temporary or permanent so I want to wish all my cycle buddies a happy and healthy nine months and thank all of you for your love and support.

The Eleventh Circle

I have moved on from the hell of the 2ww into a new hell...beta hell. My second beta went up...but only to 54. I go back on Friday for a third beta but at this point I have no hope of this working out. I wasn't that surprised, I POAS this morning to see if it was getting darker and it actually was lighter. I am just so devastated. It just doesn't seem fair that this has to be so hard.

The results are in...

At 9dp5dt my beta is 37!! I am ecstatic of course to even have a beta number to report but still cautious because it is on the low side. My doctor called me herself to give me the results (which freaked me out, I thought it would be the nurse and I thought for sure she was calling to break the bad news to me herself) and she said not to worry about this number as long as we see a good doubling number on Tuesday. Thank you so much to all of you for your positive comments throughout this whole cycle but especially after my last post.

The Tenth Circle

I think when Dante wrote the inferno he forgot about the 10th circle, the place where infertiles get stuck during the 2 week wait, taunted by pregnant bellies, fat little babies and other women's positive pee sticks.

This is by far the most tortuous two week wait ever. My beta is Sunday and it still seems so far away. I am not feeling much of anything, boobs are sore, I am a little crampy although that seems to be dropping off but I can blame that on the progesterone.

And now I feel like karma is going to come back and bite me in the ass after I posted about my friend who perfectly planned her pregnancy last week, a few days later we got an e-mail from her husband saying that she lost the baby and now I feel terrible. Every positive beta I see makes me so happy but yet so afraid. How can it work for all of us? Odds are someone is going to get a negative and I feel like it is going to be me.

Happy Monday!

It's 3dp5dt and I am feeling pretty good. My feelings vascillate, one minute I am convinced this has worked, I'm thinking of baby names and planning nursery themes and the next second I am sure it is not going to work and mentally making a list of questions to ask at my WTF and wondering how soon I can cycle again.

I did have a nice relaxing weekend with B, watched almost all of Season 5 of Dexter, started The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest and napped a lot! Today I am making caramel brownies and lasagna to bring over to our friend's house tonight. J just had a sweet baby girl and I can't wait to meet her!

Not much else to report, this is going to be one long week until my beta. I will leave you with this video, I first saw it here and while I found it funny, I didn't really appreciate it at the time. Now that I am doing these damn PIO shots, it runs through my head every night when B is giving me my shot and cracks me up.

Blasts on Board!

Well, one beautiful blast and one morula. They better be getting cozy in my ute as I type this!

The transfer was great. Took my Valium at 10 and by the time we were in the car at 10:20 I was feeling really good. We got to the office and didn't see my doctor's car so I panicked a bit. Now that I think about it, it's actually quite sad that I go there so often that I know which car is hers. Our embryologist was waiting when we got there and told us we had only one blast for transfer and out of the 4 that were remaining this was the best looking morula. He will call us this weekend and let us know if we have any to freeze but I am not banking on it. I got changed into my gown and B put his bunny suit on and then we were taken to the procedure room. My doc came in on her day off just to do my ET so I felt pretty special. B and I really love her. She had a hard time getting a good view of my ute with the abdominal u/s but finally she found the right spot. She did a quick trial run and then the real thing. I relaxed for 15 minutes and then we left. B had to go back to work but I was so sleepy after that Valium I passed out for 2 hours!

I will be watching lots of tv and movies this weekend and reading The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest and if I finish that, The Art of Racing in the Rain. I am feeling good about this cycle right now. I know April Fools Day can have some negative connotations but not for us. 7 years ago today, B and I met randomly at an all inclusive in Mexico. I totally thought he would be just a vacation fling and I would never see him again and here we are happily married and hopefully making a baby on our 7 year anniversary! Hope everyone has a great weekend!