Where I wish I was...

This is sunset at Isle of Palms, SC. This is where I wish I was right now.

Where I am is:
I feel like I start every recent blog post apologizing for being a bad blogger. I am going to stop doing that and just accept that this is all I can give right now. I promise I am reading and silently cheering people along or sympathizing with them I just haven't been very good about verbalizing it.

Things are slowly moving along for me. My sister is coming out here in 2 weeks, we have our psych eval, which I was horrified to find out would take 3 hours and is so expensive. Although really what is another $800 at this point? She will also have her first appointment/exam with my RE also. I found an RE right by her office so it will be easy for her to go to her monitoring appointment when (and if) we cycle.

I finally got my period, while I was on vacation of course, so now I am on the pill to keep me regular until we start our donor cycle. Vacation was amazing, much needed, although all the stress free, relaxing feelings disappeared as soon as we stepped off the plane and back to reality. I start acupuncture back this week so I am hoping that will help me chill out a little.

We have a fun weekend ahead. B's birthday is Sunday so we are having some family over for Easter/B-Day Party. Tomorrow night we will go out with his bro and SIL. Hope everyone enjoys their weekend!

Updates

I have been such a bad blogger lately. There just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day to get everything I need to done let alone sit down and write and comment on blogs. The weather here has been unseasonably warm and I have been taking full advantage of it by spending almost every night after work outside, either going for a bike ride or run or just sitting on my front porch enjoying some wine with B.

We are getting ready to leave for a 4 day trip to the beach on Wednesday and I am really looking forward to the break. We will be visiting B's cousins and I am excited to see them. Plus it will be nice to relax and recharge. I haven't been sleeping well and work has been crazy lately so I am exhausted. I did treat myself to a mani/pedi and massage on Friday courtesy of some groupons so that was nice.

On the fertility front...I started going back to my Resolve support group and I am glad I did. While no one in the group right now is going through a donor cycle it's still nice to be surrounded by women who truly understand what you are going through. I also learned of a community acupuncture place from one of the women in the group where you pay what you can so I think once we get back from our trip I am going to start going again. I know it will help with my stress, anxiety and sleep issues but I stopped going because it was so expensive. My sisters labs came back and they were good so we get to move on to the next step of her coming out here for an appointment and exam with my dr. Her AMH is at an impressive 5.62 which gives me hope for a great response. I would love to have some frosties for a sibling. I still haven't gotten my period after my failed IVF so I am going to have some labs drawn tomorrow and then I can start provera. I am planning on syncing myself up with my sister so we can get started with this donor cycle ASAP if everything goes well with her appointment next month.

I know I've said this before but I have the best coworkers. They surprised me yesterday with a beautiful orchid and a gift card to one of my favorite cooking stores and a super sweet card. I am so lucky to work with such wonderful and supportive women. Have a great week!

Baby Steps

I finally heard from the donor coordinator today. It only took 10 days. I was getting really frustrated but apparently there was some confusion about me using my sister as a donor. Anyway, she was super nice and apologetic and I got all my questions answered. The first step is having my sister get her CD FSH and AMH drawn. My sister will be getting her period next week (she is on the pill) so she should be getting those drawn on Friday. Once they come back and are hopefully awesome then we can map out the rest of the cycle. Between my sister's schedule and B and I's schedule she won't be able to get out here until mid April for her exam but as long as that looks good, we can expect the retrieval to probably be in early June. Yay!

I think I am slowly working my way out of my depression. The spring like weather is definitely helping as well as my amazing support system... and a little bit of pampering doesn't hurt either! I have been such bad blogger, I am reading and keeping up, just haven't been commenting but I am thinking of you all!

Shattered

How many times can I break till I'm shattered? This line from an O.A.R song (one of my favorite bands btw) keeps running through my head. I feel like Humpty Dumpty and don't know if I can ever be put back together. The first week or so after my chemical were ok, I had a plan, I was prepared for this. Now I am just a mess. Thankfully my doc wrote me a prescription for something so I can relax and sleep at night but I am a mess during the day. I had a full on break down at work the other day, sobbing hysterically. Three people in the last week have suggested therapy and when your boss hands you a card for the Employee Assistance Program, that's not a good sign. I am just so so sad.

On a positive note, we are getting the ball rolling with getting my sister tested to be my donor. I had a bunch of labs drawn the other day, my husband is having some drawn next week and if the nurse would ever call me back, we can get my sister tested for some stuff hopefully before her appointment with my doc. My sister lives about 8 hours away so I am trying to get as much done as possible before her appointment so if things go well she can start meds. She is going to Europe this summer and really wants to donate before she leaves. However since the donor nurse has yet to call me, I don't even know if this is feasible.

I just feel like I am never going to catch a break.

Decisions, Decisions

I have been awfully quiet over here. I have been doing a lot of thinking and still haven't figured out a plan yet. There's too many choices and variables and the more I think about things, the more confused I get. I am lucky that B and my doctor are on board with whatever I choose but I really don't want the responsibility of choosing. I am so afraid I am going to make the wrong choice. And really that's what it all comes down too. What if I make the wrong choice?

I am still struggling with whether or not to do the immunology work up or not. If the immune work up shows that there is an issue then do I cycle again with my eggs in hopes that my chemicals were due to immune issues? What if I have crappy eggs and immune problems? Or do I just move ahead with donor eggs and forget about the immune testing because it's probably just my shitty eggs causing the chemicals? I just wish someone could give me the answer! I don't have a problem with any of the options, I just don't want to waste time and money on something that is not going to work.

Moving on...

Well, my second beta was 7 so I have stopped all meds and am waiting for my period. I am doing better than I thought I would and much better than I did after my last IVF. Thankfully, Wednesday was my day off so I spent most of it in bed and cried every time someone sent me a text, which was a lot, because I have some pretty amazing friends. After a 4 week hiatus I enjoyed coffee, wine and sex all in the same day!

Now I am just figuring out where to go from here. I was positive I was going to move on to donor eggs after this cycle but now I am having second thoughts. Not about using DE but about my diagnosis. I know my FSH is high but my AMH isn't that bad and I am not that old. At 32, going on 33, I should still have some good eggs in there. Even though I don't make that many eggs, I have a great fertilization rate, although not many make it to blast. After having 2 chemicals I am wondering if something else is going on with me. I have been doing some research and I am thinking about having a consultation with a reproductive immunologist. I am not sure how my RE will feel about this since RI seems like it not widely accepted yet.

If anyone has any thoughts, experiences, or knows of any blogs by girls who have used/are using a reproductive immunologist please let me know!

Who did I piss off?

I really think the universe has it out for me. Beta was 9 10dp5dt. I just wanted a positive or negative. My doctor is making me go back Thursday for a recheck but really? I just want this to be over but now I feel like it is going to be dragged out all week.