All I Want(ed) for Christmas...

There were 2 things I really wanted for Christmas this year. The first was a fun filled trip to NYC to spend Christmas with my family. I wanted to see the tree, eat pizza and bagels, and see my old friends. What I got instead was 3 days with the family, 1 slice of pizza and 1 bagel before a blizzard forced us to change our travel plans and leave early. I did not get to see any of my friends, 2 of my cousins, no trip to Manhattan and I definitely could have used a couple of more slices of pizza. You just can't good pizza outside of NYC!

The second thing I wanted was a BFP. Instead I got a BFN. So now I will call my doctor this week and set up an IVF consult. I am thinking late Feb/early March since we have a trip planned to Florida to visit family in February and I don't want to cancel that. I need a break too. I am tired, drained and I just want to spend a couple of months not taking pills, suppositories or injections and to drink lots and lots of wine.

Welcome ICLW'ers!

Welcome to my blog! For those of you who are visiting for the first time, you can read detailed cycle info over there ---------------------->

A little about me....I am 31 and married to the most wonderful guy, B. We got married in July 08 and New Years of that year I threw away my BCP and we started TTC. My cycles were long and I was sure I wasn't ovulating but my ob/gyn kept telling me to be patient and that was normal after the pill. Finally in October I started on Clomid and by March of this year, I was seeing an RE. Since working with her, I have had 5 IUI's and no BFP. I also don't really have a diagnosis. I don't ovulate on my own but no one can tell me why. My FSH is borderline at 10.1.

Right now I am 11 days in to my 2 week wait, I can take a HPT on Christmas day. I am waiting until Monday though because I don't want my holiday ruined by a BFN. This was my fifth and final IUI, if this one doesn't work, we are moving on to IVF, probably in February or March. I have some mixed feelings about that. I am ready to move on, at this point I don't think IUI's are going to work for us. It does bother me though that I don't know why I don't ovulate. I keep thinking that maybe the reason I am not not ovulating is the reason I am not getting pregnant. There is a doctor in my area, and ob/gyn, with a special interest in fertility. He is Catholic and doesn't believe in ART so he works really hard to figure out what is causing your problem. I do have a consultation with him in January to see what he says.

So that's me in a nutshell. Thanks for visiting and I hope you stick around!

I'm tired...

...of being sad. It's hard to to tell if it's depression, hormones, or a little bit of both. My good friend at work J called me on Sunday to tell me she was pregnant. I started sobbing and had to hang up. I cried again the next day when one of the nurse practitioners I work with asked me if I was OK about it. She hasn't told anyone else at work yet besides the two of us but I am dreading it. Everyone is going to be so happy for her and I feel like everyone is going to be thinking "oh poor L" I don't know, maybe that is narcissistic of me but that's how I feel. When I started my blog 6 months ago, I found 20 blogs to follow through ICLW. 10 of those ladies are now pregnant. I am happy for them and hope to join them one day but it is a painful reminder of how left behind I feel.

I tried therapy but didn't feel like it helped. I am going to a resolve support group meeting tomorrow which I am really nervous about. I am pretty shy around people I don't know but I am feeling slightly desperate. I just need to hear from other people that this is normal. And I need some non-pregnant friends, I have too many right now.

The Grinch Who Stole Christmas

I am such a bad blogger, I have all these posts in my head but I have such a hard time finding the time to sit down and type them out.

The good news:

This cycle went really well, my best one yet according to my doctor. My ovaries liked the combination of Follistim and Menopur. I had B2B IUI's Friday and Saturday with four follies! It seems like a lot but considering my track record, my RE, B and I all felt comfortable proceeding. Now I am in the dreaded 2 week wait. I got a massage on Friday afternoon to help keep myself relaxed and I am eating pineapple every day.

The bad news:

Christmas is my favorite holiday, B and I go to my parents in NYC every year to celebrate with my crazy italian family. I love going to see the tree, all the windows, it is just such a festive time. Anyway, 2 weeks from Saturday, the day my Dr told me to POAS, is Christmas Day. I can't think of anything more depressing than getting a big fat negative on Christmas day. I decided not to test until we get back home on Monday so it doesn't ruin my Christmas but I feel like it already has. Regardless of when I test, I feel like it is all I am going to be thinking about when I should be having fun and enjoying spending time with my family.

I hate infertility!

Seriously??

As soon as I published my last post, my phone rang. It was my RE's office. My E2 is low so they asked me to come in and pick up some Menopur to add to the regimen. They gave me 3 vials which was nice because on my way home the pharmacy called to verify the order of 5 more vials they called in for me and told me how much it was going to be. I hate to complain because I am lucky to have good medical coverage but having no prescrption coverage for these meds sucks! I spent close to $1000 on meds already this cycle!

Update and a recipe

I really wanted to update after my baseline on Saturday but the weekend was crazy. We were out all day Saturday for the Ohio State/Michigan game and Sunday I spent the day on the couch. No laundry, no grocery shopping, just me, B and the first season of Modern Family on DVD. That show is hilarious! We had never seen it before and watched the whole season in 1 day!

Our Thanksgiving was really nice. My SIL and I cooked a really yummy meal and it was nice to spend time with her, BIL and my nephews. B's mom and step dad were there also. We went over to his dad's family's house as well and got to meet our new niece finally. B's step brother and wife live in NC so we only see them a few times a year. I had to work on Friday so I left and drove back by myself which was a little sad.

My baseline went well on Saturday, no cysts so I started on Follistim. My doctor was off that weekend though so I saw one of her partners. I went in today for a follie check and things are looking ok, nothing to exciting going on but there are a few little ones in there so I am sticking with my same dose and go back Saturday, unless my E2 comes back something crazy. It was nice to see my doctor though, she is so sweet, she really really wants me to get pregnant. I hadn't seen her in a while and I was touched at by what she said when she came in. I think if we met under different circumstances we would be good friends. Hopefully my little follies grow and things look better when I go back this weekend!

I am making this chicken pot pie from annies-eats for dinner tonight and I am so excited. It looks delicious! It is so cold and it snowed here today so I am really in the mood for some comfort food.